bipolar memoir

Home Life. Is it my raising or more.

Nature or nurture? My home life was worth living for though it didn't always feel like it. One to eight had lots of lovings from my mother while she was battling terrible pain and mental illness I  was lucky had my sister and a caregiving father there to help take care of me. As I got older I was more on my own then most. I had to feed myself and kinda spent most of my time alone. I also took care of my parents. They had a tendency to depend on me so much they would call me for every little thing. This is part of my anxiety, to be honest. Yelling still gives me anxiety and really any type of negativity. MY home life made me more sensitive and stronger in other ways. I was lucky to have such caring parents and responsibilities. Their only fault was they couldn’t alway be there for me caused they were too busy trying to survive themselves. With lack of sleep and mental illness. They were trying to survive mental and physical illnesses. They have had a very hard time and they are strong for holding on they amaze me every day I owe them everything. I know if parents hadn’t sheltered and always been there I'd be so much more messed up. I'm a lot like a preachers daughter my dad did actually used to be a preacher. I had a lot of emotional trouble growing up, my mother's mental illness affected all of us every day. Especially my sister she seemed to have no understanding and this cause a lot of problems. My sister and mother didn't get along most of the time and all I could do was watch. This happened Christmas, birthdays, and every holiday my sister was around. She just didn’t know how to handle momma and had no understanding of what you don’t say to people let alone someone as sensitive and mental as me and my mother. She had it worse than me too because my mother had a brain tumor which just made matters worse. After sister left for college dropped out and went into the air force by force she made her own life and things were easier to handle without her always there. Except then it was all left to me. My family troubles didn’t teach me how to control my emotions but it did make me stronger. Yelling chaos was apart of my life whether I liked it or not. This was hard on me because I hated it I wanted calmness that’s the type of person I was. From the age of four to ten I imagine I roamed my farm and played outside all day, as long as I possibly could. This was my place of solitude and my legacy from my papaw my favorite person in the world. I had an amazing imagination. I played in Hogwarts, boarding schools, magical realms, towns, and laid by the beach in the sand by my pond. I played all by myself for most of my life. Live in a poor small town my friends didn't have rides to chill and I was way too far to walk so what else could I do. This got me out of the house. Even when I was older I had this problem seeing as none of my friends had money, cars, or licenses(including myself). As I got older I got more into technology and indoors I designed my own room and everything. My room was a dorky artistic paradise and still is I wonder if it will always be. Its awesomely artistic lots of colors, lights, and art I was incapable of having a boring room. NORMAL IS BORING! In kindergarten I started a school and because of skipping preschool I was  behind. I went to Emmet Elementary where Mrs. Davis one of the sweetest teachers you could ever meet. I was very shy in kindergarten though I enjoyed school. I always observe people even when I was a baby. My mother always said I didn't care to please anyone as a baby I was cautious and gave people weird looks. I'm really the same way now but to an extent. I mean all I needed was my family. I still watch people and see if psychoanalyze people it makes me feel judgmental at times but I'm not mental illness is just interesting to me and it helps me adapt with people. I really don't judge I love the crazies I relate and understand them. Normal people are fake and try to be someone they aren't. I like people who are themselves and embrace a little crazy. Mental Illness to me is more of good or bad personality traits so you have to decide when you need to get help. Then first grade started to get involved more with people and things. Not to mention I had fights with the few other girls that were in my class. I was in Emmet till second grade, I went to Garrett Memorial Christian School from third to fifth when I moved back to Emmet which by the end kinda sucked I was weird no one liked me and I had my awkward stage in fifth grade I never conformed to the other kids. I handled the bullies the best that I could and kept on keeping on knowing that they were shutting down Emmet. Garrett Memorial was where I met my best friend Kalyne we stayed friends and are still friends even though we are so opposite. Then I moved to Prescott Middle School from sixth to eighth grade. I played basketball and went through a very bad phase starting seventh grade to eighth which is why I was forced to move to Blevins High School for the rest of my years. I was glad in the end. I missed Prescott but I ended up happier in Blevins where I had a rather large friend group but we slowly grew apart three of them left. We kept in touch though. Blevins is where I started clubs and being more active especially when I learned to drive at 16. My raising was about caring for others, morals, and honesty. It was rough for someone so young sometimes. My home life has made me compassionate, strong, empathetic, respectful, spiritual and independent. Overall my home life was a bit emotionally crazy that’s ok it made me who I am. I do forget that sometimes.When it comes to my family I do have lots of frustrations. Don’t we all though. Ps age and respect will come in time just give it time you'll love your family so much more when you realize that.