bipolar memoir

Taco Bell guy

Boy did I notice him. It’s hard to believe Michael and I had barely graduated from high school when we met. We met in the beginning of that spring semester. I was only there for one semester longer than him. I was so young and naive and I still am.I didn’t know what to do or what to say and I was always with other people. He told me of times I don’t think I saw him that he saw me.  One day he took my order and had trouble spelling my name in the end which is funny considering my name is his name with an A at the end. He seemed nervous almost. He looked down avoiding eye contact while I ordered what I wanted. His voice what slightly sad sounding like he was having a bad day. I do wonder if he noticed me that day? He is smart enough to play it off like he didn’t but he did. May have even had trouble with my name on purpose. Our first date was at Taco Bell. I remember it all started with his ex wife and kids he told me everything. About her taking the clothes he sent for money for clothes for her brother how he had been homeless and so abused I can’t imagine. It all made me so furious I couldn’t stand it. I even hate thinking about it. I believed him. I also kind of pitied him. I thought he just needed someone to take care of him and not screw him over. He needs someone to truly love him and want to take care of him. It all started in a manic period I was on top of the world my classes were easier I was working and taken care of all together. I was kicked out of my parents house except usually I kicked myself out really. Living out of my car I started out staying with my friend. My friend was very high maintenance and used to getting what she wants she would make me earn my keep but she was making me wake up to take her to school which is a deal breaker I’m not a morning person. So I started to stay with Michael in his aunt and uncle's house. They were very kind but I tried to be as invisible as possible. I couldn’t stay for free for to long I had to move out eventually. Then me and Michael had a huge fight I can’t remember why. I didn’t give up though I kept trying to make things right like I always do I am psycho after all. Michael remained fucked up drinking wine and smoking constantly we were apart a few days. Michael was drunk and told his aunt and uncle things I supposedly said but tbh Michael usually always has his own side. We miss communicate and he always took what I said at face value. I thought his aunt and uncle could have been more giving, understanding and shouldn’t have charged such ungodly amounts. Though that just from what Michael told me. I realize now I’m from a very giving family and it wasn’t that bad in the end I felt horrible and tried to apologize but his family isn’t to forgiving but I faced my consequences when I couldn’t come over anymore. This separated us greatly more than we knew because  my parents also withdrew their support after finding out he has only been separated not divorced. This was so hard on me because I hate negativity because I’m sensitive to it. The negative comments started to way on my well being mainly just cause I loved my family and did care what they thought. The worst was yet to come though.

    I never thought our first day together would be the first day of an inseparable bond. We were messaging about meeting so I told him I was at the college. I waited on him happy, excited, nervous little me. Made me feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve I thought I was chill but I know now I was scared of rejection or being hurt. Let me tell you I should have been and will always be. He has my heart cause he stole it. I remember how he walked in to the top floor student center where I was playing on my laptop I think there were others there but I forgot about them when he walked in. My thoughts exploded. Thoughts of how adorable and sweet he looked. How he was shorter than I expected. He wore his shaggy brown hair mess he came inside fixing his hair from pulling off his blue Doctor Who beanie. He wore a scarf which was odd to me to see but for some reason I liked it. Even then I never thought he would end up the love of my life. He walked straight toward me I don’t think I knew what to do but I do believe he hugged me unless I panicked and hugged him. We talked a while and somehow I talked him into enrolling in college with me. I guess I wanted to see more of him. Maybe I was kinda trapping him then just like he did me. He decided to do it. It was impulsive considering he had to pay rent but he did anyway. I told him where to enrol and he went and he did it. It was the longest wait he even had to take the Accuplacer. Which he supposedly bombed because he was in a hurry because I was waiting on him. He came back and told me that it was apparently the last day to enroll isn’t that fate or what.

After that we went on our first date to Taco Bell. He would come to the farm and we would watch movies like American Ultra, Ted 2, Fault in Our Stars and Deadpool. I cooked us chimichangas the day we watched Deadpool which is hilarious considering Deadpool aka Wade Wilson loves chimichangas. I cooked my chicken which didn’t turn out like it usually did. Michael must have liked it ok he had seconds. We would go to places he had never been like McDonald’s and most fast food places. (Isn’t that crazy). We would go to Texarkana and go everywhere I had never been so happy. He spoiled me so. I loved every bear every flower and gift he got me. I should have even more but I’m so used to being spoiled I probably was as greatly as I should have been. That’s one thing I would change. Then spring break we went to hot springs. I really don’t think I could have done it without him. My anxiety stops me so much. I felt so safe with him. It was a crazy plan but it was worth it. Our first spring break and maybe the last was amazing. Never take people for granted. I’ve made that mistake and I’d give anything to change that.

Am I crazy? Or do we seem like the notebook?

Dear Michael,

I've never been so in love with anyone in my life. I adore you even your faults. I see you Michael Joseph Pizzo as the most lovable, damaged, funny, hard working and gorgeous person I have ever met. With you being the most handsome in the world and me not being willing to settle for anything less. I can honestly say that I’m screwed. I see cute handsome and funny but none where I adored everything about that person that was all of those things I’m one. When I say your my muse I mean it you showed me true beauty that I’d never see before. I love how your skin is soft in the right places and the way it glows. I love how beautiful your smile is I swear looking at your smile I feel blinded because all I want to do is look at you. Your eyes would squint when your happy I loved making you happy just to see your eyes. Even when I’m not in the picture I want you to be happy. Your hair I’ve loved your hair since the beginning how soft it was and how it was hardly ever ratty. Even oily your hair was beautiful. I truly believe that no one can adore you as much as me I thought about you everyday. I thought of every fault like it was a gift. The things I wanted to hate I never could in the end.  Every face you make every pose is art to me. When I could think about the good things I realized how good of a person you are I know your struggles more than you think. Even when my mistakes made it seem like I didn’t. We also relate to the Joker and Harley thou lots of people do in that two damaged people fall in love and test each other as abusive as it can be until they realize they are meant to be.