Call Me Ashleigh

Chapter 21:

CHAPTER 21:

If my life was a movie, I'd be the beautiful main character, with gorgeous hair, in an amazing room I could only dream of. I'd be sitting in a corner, with faint rays of light streaming through the translucent areas of the curtains coming to rest on me. My fingers would be gently strumming a guitar, as I sang with a clear, sweet voice, tears escaping from my perfectly shining eyes. It would be really really pretty to watch.

But my life wasn't a movie, I wasn't beautiful, my hair was messy and tangled, my room was disorganised and dull. I sat crouched up on my bed, while 'If This Was A Movie' played on the radio. I didn't know how to play guitar. I was singing along, softly, but I sounded horrible, and my voice kept cracking. My face was red and tear-stained. My eyes were bloodshot and lifeless. Unlike my made up movie scene, this one wasn't at all pleasant to watch.

My parents had gone grocery shopping, and I was left alone with Fel and Angel. Fel took Angel and watched cartoons in the living room, while I chose to lock myself in my room in order to peacefully be miserable.

My friends didn't get it. Just last night, I'd cheerfully waved goodbye to them, with promises to catch up again the next day. But today, I'd been moody, not wanting to talk to anyone. Our dinner at McDonald's seemed almost like something from another girl's life, that I'd seen and vaguely remembered. It seemed like forever ago that I'd sat in the hall, listening - or partially listening - to the talk, that sermon on Hell... It all felt like a dream.

It really must have been confusing for my friends. I felt a little guilty, making them worry like that. But still, I felt selfish, wanting to wallow in my own self-pity, without a care of how it might affect others.

I was such a bad person, I definitely deserved all this.

Closing my eyes in exhaustion, I flashbacked to last night.

10.30pm, August 20th, 2011.

Tears streamed down my face. I'd lost everything.

Why did I even tell her? All along, I'd wanted to, but I was never really serious... I was too scared. Something just came over me. And why did I ask such a stupid question? Asking someone whether they'd be angry if I liked them? What kind of question is that? It's utterly ridiculous, a dead giveaway. Stupid, that's what I am!

I didn't want to look at the iPod. As ridiculous as it sounds, it hurt to even look at it's shiny silver surface. But still, something pulled me to check it again.

I once again clicked on the familiar blue icon. It would never be the same to me again.

My heartbeat quickened as I noticed a new friend request pop up.

Was it from Amanda? Did she have second thoughts on what she'd done, perhaps she was adding me back?

I tried not to let myself hope for what seemed like the impossible, but I couldn't help it.

My hands shook as I reached out to tap on the icon. Could it be, could it really be...?

...Who on earth was Dolores?

Surely it wasn't that Red Cross girl in Amanda's clique...?

I checked out her profile picture. My suspicions were confirmed.

I gulped nervously. What was she doing, adding me? I didn't even know her personally. She probably only knew me as the insane girl who had spastic reactions to their clique and previously 'stalked' them.

Was she trying to scare me? If she was, she was succeeding. I was thoroughly freaked out. It was all too coincidental, right? Just after I'd confessed to Amanda, Dolores comes and adds me? I had no idea what she wanted, but I was afraid.

The grandfather clock outside chimed 11. I jumped, looking around wildly. Getting up, I peeked out of the window into the darkness. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear the wind howling around outside. A shiver ran down my spine. Suddenly the room felt spooky. Everything seemed sinister. Quickly, I closed and locked the windows, drawing the curtains after. They wouldn't close fully, much to my horror. I tugged and tugged desperately at the fabric, but they just wouldn't close properly. Exhausted and upset, I collapsed onto the bed, sobbing hard. I had no idea why I was doing this, why I was being so stupid... But then and again, when did I know anything?

I hid the request, and then proceeded to hide myself under the blankets.

I don't think I'd ever felt so vulnerable and alone. Without Amanda, every single thing in the world was a threat.

Blinking hard, I brought myself back to the present. I heard the sound of the key turning in the lock, and I scrambled to my feet. Pasting a big, fake smile over my pale, cracked lips, I went out to meet my parents.

~~~~~~~~

"PEE, Point, Evidence, Explanation... Point, Evidence, Explanation..." I muttered doggedly to myself. I had only just remembered that I had an assignment on Kira Kira, the book we were currently doing for Literature, thanks to a text from my very responsible group leader Gracie. Unfortunately, it was 10 o'clock and Gracie needed everything in latest by 10.45. I needed to rush, but of course, my brain wasn't working properly.

I only had to do a quarter of the book, but it was taking longer than I had expected it to.

"Ehh... Katie's relationship with Lynn..." I murmured to myself. I was supposed to pick out bits of the book that talked about Katie and Lynn's relationship. The way Katie adored Lynn was kinda like the way I adored Amanda.

Just thinking about it brought a lump to my throat.

I loved Kira Kira. It was actually the second book that made me cry, the first being 'Heidi'. The story, the characters... they were all so touching, so amazing, and the writing... It was beautiful. Katie's words were simple and childlike, with that precious innocence woven in.

But now, all the book reminded me of was Amanda.

I don't know how many times I've used the book to cover a letter I was writing during class, how many times I've gone on and on to Amanda about how cool the book was, how she always laughed at me and patted my head...

Now she probably thought I was a freak.

After what seemed like forever, I emailed my finished work to Gracie. I was totally exhausted. Tomorrow, school would start again.

I'd have to face Amanda.