Notorious Hope

30. Listening to my Heartbeat

12:43am-Riley's Balcony

It's the middle of the night, dead silence surrounds the sleeping Jones' household. But Riley couldn't feel more awake.

Splattered across her ruby and creme striped duvet is dozens of photographs and scrapbooks. Attentively pondering as to what is in front of her. The brunette in the photographs is identical to herself. But she can't understand how she could be capable of being loved by these people. Caught in her own world, she oblivious to the emerald optics gazing lovingly towards her. The Texan inclined on her balcony doors.

''What're you doing up at quarter to 1 in the morning, ya crazy?''

Flipping the photographs over so he can see them for himself.

''Just looking at photos to see if anything can trigger my memory. But, shocker, it ain't working.''

Retrieving more photos from her memory box to wallow over. How ironic

 ''I just want so badly to be able to remember you, to remember us. 'Cause, I don't want you to feel like you need to stay with me because of my memory loss. I don't wanna have a relationship built on lies. I want you to be happy, Lucas. I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me if you only get parts of me and not the whole person that you're in love with. That wouldn't be fair to you or me.''

Maneuvering her body so that she can lean her head on his shoulder. The emerald-eyed teen caresses her hair while kissing her temple.

''You're right, it wouldn't be fair. But I'm not going to give up on you, Riley. You're too important to me to let you go.''

Her chocolate orbs waver away from his emerald optics.

''You say all these nice things about me, but for all, I know that could be bullshit. You could be lying straight to my face right now. How am I supposed to trust somebody who I don't remember? Because you're way too nice of a guy for me to tolerate going out with. Cause, you've told me several times in past few weeks that you love me, but I don't know if those are just words coming out of your mouth.''

Like the doctors had initially told him in the days after she'd woken from her coma, that it'd be common for her to be irritable and question herself. 

''It's okay to question me, Riles. That's just all a part of the process to make sure you're as comfortable as possible. I just want you to be okay, even if it's without me. As for the part about me loving you, I've always loved you. Even when you've been insistent that we don't belong together, I've always known right in here.''

He raises the brunette's hands to enclose over his heart. 

''You're heart's racing pretty fast there, cowboy''

Tucking her chocolate locks behind her minuscule ears.

''That's because my heart only ever moves at that pace whenever you're around. Because even though we've been together for almost a year, I still get nervous whenever you're around.''

Clenching at her heartstrings. Wishing that she reciprocated her feelings for Lucas to the extent that he did for her.

''You're a really good guy, Lucas and I really appreciate everything that you've done for me. But I just don't know how much longer I can keep this going. You're putting so much effort and I feel as if I don't wanna keep doing this if all that I do is disappoint you.''

His fingers clench at the tips of her fingers.

''Riles you could never disappoint me. No matter what you do.''

Caressing her cheek, biting his lower lip ferociously hard. The brunette rests her temple against his chest. His fingertips fiddle with her chocolate locks, effortlessly. The emerald-eyed teen knows there's deeper to the situation than meets the eye. Something that's deeper in her core.

''You don't get it, Lucas. I've always tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student and the perfect sister and I can't even be a good girlfriend. So how the fuck am I supposed to be this amazing student, daughter and sister when I can't even be a good girlfriend?''

He's about to have his input when she beats him straight to the bullet.

''I just have so much on my plate right now. I have mountains of essays due all in one week. I have a father to impress and live up to his expectations. I have all these teachers who expect me to be the best.''

Her voice rambles on at a million miles a second

''I don't want to be a failure for Auggie who's the only sain one in my family. I have a twin brother who I thought was dead but now I've found out is alive.''

He's afraid of what she'll think when she eventually figures out her not so lost mother is alive and well.

 ...And every time I look at you I see the look in your eyes that's so genuine. I just don't wanna disappoint you if we go on like this, Lucas.''

He'd rather help her get better and have her in his arms every day, rather than lose her entirely.

I can't believe I'm still standing here rambling on to you because I have my deadlines and I c-''

The pace of her thought process runs at a thousand miles a second. Her breaths shorten and tighten together.

''Riley, it's okay, just listen to my voice, ssh...''

His halting is unsuccessful as her rambling continues.

''I don't know what else to do because if I don't do any of this then I have nothing to live for I-''

He pulls her even closer into his body, kissing her forehead tenderly. Rubbing circles in her back as a calming mechanism. Suffocating her sobs to mere trembles, the brunette embraces the emerald orbed boy. Leading her back to her bed as he shelters her from the dangers of the outer world.

''I love you, sweetheart, always remember that''