When the street stops spinning, I slow to a stop.
I double over, grip my kneecaps, heave. Most of the window lights are off. The metal bars bars have been pulled down over the shops and bodegas. Straight down the street, there's an intersection. The traffic lights dot the air like shiny wrapped candies. I push off from my knees, stand up and follow them.
My ipod vibrates in my pocket. I halt to a stop. My throat throbs like a wound. I ignore it and keep walking.
When I reach the next green light, I turn the corner. The next road is a hill. I readjust the strap of my duffel bag and head upwards. I could go back to Hope House, ask for my old room back... stepstepstep cmon faster, faster... hop a train to Long Island, find a homeless shelter somewhere... stepstepstep gotta go gotta go... my breathing turns to panting and my legs throb each time I take a step. A howling ambulance flies past me, wings beating, flinging my hair back with the wind. I want to scream. I bite my lip to keep the sound from coming out. When you live this close to the bottom, screaming doesn't do anything.
I stop when I reach the top of the hill and grip my thighs. My tears splat against the ground. I start coughing again and bite into the lip of my sleeve, and when I glance up, my heart jolts.
The bridge towers over me. The arches meet the sky and the cables stretch to join them.
My ipod vibrates again. I ignore it. I thought I'd gone farther, but I've been here before. I walked here after visiting Hope House back in the Fall, but I don't remember the arches being this tall or the tide being this high. The water crashes against the foundation beams beneath the roadway. The arches scrape the sky and the clouds part to welcome them.
My ipod vibrates again. I pull it out from my pocket and turn it on. My fingers shake. I have to cup it in my palm to keep from dropping it. There's a stack of unread messages on the screen, all from Lin.
11:46 PM - Hey
11:46 PM - I'm sorry
11:47 PM - I lost my temper
11:52 PM - rest up, we'll talk tomorrow
12:26 PM -where are you???!!
12:26 PM - u need to respond NOW
12:27 PM - If you read these please just come home V is a wreck Seb woke up and there's no way I'm gonna sleep
12:36 PM – Viddie?
12:45 PM - just let me know you're safe
A low rumble of anger rises in my gut. I stuff my ipod back in the pocket of my duffel bag. Eyes fixed on the top of the first arch, I walk down the hill.
The sound of the water grows louder as I approach the roadway. I cross the street and head up the bike path. When I make it to the top, I grab the railing and turn my back to the road. The mist from the river cools my body. My eyes water from the wind. I see Washington point in the distance, just like I did all those months ago. Most of the lights are off. Traffic lights twinkle behind the buildings. I see them changing colors, lighting up the streets. I listen for voices, but the wind and the water drown out any other sound. I turn away. Trees line the shore. Behind them, Manhattan glitters. The current crashes up against the foundation beams. I grip the strap of my duffel bag and use my free hand to hold the steel railing. When I make it a quarter of the way across, I stop.
I turn away from the road again and drop my duffel bag to my feet. My hands shake from gripping the railing so hard. I shut my eyes, grab the pole beside me with one arm and listen to the water rush beneath me.
My ears ring like fire alarms. I step up on the bottom of the railing and lean over the edge.
Lin told me he wishes he knew how hard he tried for me. If he'd given me enough time to find the words, I would've told him that I tried, too. I tried to listen to my voice, to follow its compass. But if my voice doesn't ring clear to anyone but myself, then what's the point in using it? Maybe that's why no one gets it, no one but me. Even if he wouldn't understand, there's so much I want him to know. I'd tell him about my birthday, and why I never thanked him for his Christmas gift. I'd tell him about the kites Radhika, Nayim and I flew in Pakistan, how the feathery tail made the cloth look like a bird against the sun— and I'd tell him about the real bird I saw at the park, and how it made me realize that everyone plays a part in the world, even if they can't act. I wanted to tell him all that, but I couldn't.
I hold on to the pole and push off from the railing so my feet hover above the concrete. My throat burns.
"Run, Vidya!"
It'll be quick and easy. All I have to do is let go. The wind blasts my hair back. My heart pounds against the roof of my mouth. I shut my eyes. My palms sweat against the metal.
"Faster!"
The wind in my hair— it's familiar, it's been there before. The day returns to me in a flash: leaves crunching beneath my sneakers, kite flying high in the sky, and my brother in front of me. He holds the spar and races against the wind.
"Keep up!"
The trees are red, orange, yellow. The leaves float to ground and the horizon reflects the sunlight into something brilliant and powerful. Our feet are bare. We have to return home for dinner, soon, but not yet. We're running too fast to stop now. Nayim winds the string around the spar and looks up over his shoulder to watch the kite twirl in the air behind him.
"Jump up! Catch it!" His voice blows away with the wind. "You can do it!"
I can do it.
I know I can. My feet leave the ground, the sun passes over me and reflects off my pupils. The sky refracts into a million shards of glass. I thrust my arm out and reach as high as I can. My fingers scrape the sky and sizzle against the sun. When my feet hit the ground, I bring the clouds down with my sneakers. Almost, I tell myself. I run until the ground caves in beneath my shoes. Maybe next time, maybe—
"Try again!" He cries out to me. His voice echoes through the park. I will. I only have to to pick up enough speed and get enough airtime. Then I'll reach that kite. We'll go to the park next weekend, or the weekend after that if it isn't windy enough. All I have to do is try again.
"Faster, Vidya!"
I'll try, Nayim, I'll get it one day—
"You just have to jump higher!"
I leap. The clouds part to welcome me. Sun in my eyes, wind carrying my hair— my fingers scrape the sky, I feel the sun burn them— but I stumble and hit the ground when I hear water below me.
I open my eyes.
My hands shake from their grip on the metal. The river surges beneath the deck. New York and New Jersey light up on either side of it.
No.
No, this isn't how it ends.
I jump down from the railing and slam to the concrete. My heart pounds against the walls of my throat. I rest my forehead on the bars and look through at the river, the foamy waves lapping against the shore and Staten Island on the horizon. My heart returns to my chest and finds its rhythm. I grab my duffel bag, hold on to the pole and stand. The wind generated from the cars blows my hair back when I turn my head. Washington Heights stares back at me, here, still, after everything.
The nearest subway station is three blocks from the other side of the highway, and it's three stops and a transfer to get to Brooklyn Heights. I secure my duffel bag around my shoulders, and I run like there's no tomorrow.
YOU ARE READING
SHOUT - Adopted by Lin Manuel Miranda
Fanfiction"Sometimes I think the universe sets certain people out into the world like gifts meant for others, people whose purpose is to save someone else. That's how I think of families. And if the universe couldn't do me that favor, couldn't put someone on...
