Kung Saan Tayo Natapos

9: Amari Athena S. Pangilinan

"Mama missed you amari,"

I whispered, nanatiling nakatayo si king sa tabi ko, tears were streaming down my face.

Amari Athena was my child, mine and king's. Bago kami maging loveteam, I entered showbiz and I met king, King got me pregnant at 16, so I stepped out of the limelight, raised Amari like a normal mother would.

Masaya kaming pamilya, King loves Amari, I love king and king loves me. Napagkasunduan naming magsinungaling, para na rin sa kapakanan ni Amari, we hid her, pero masaya kami, kahit nagsisinungaling kami sa tv. We both come home to amari, we are still a family.

Hanggang sa hindi inaasahan, after her  third birthday, she started having trouble breathing and always complained about her chest pains, napagdesisyunan namin ni king na dalhin siya sa ospital.

She had a heart condition, her heart is literally too big for her body. We spent a year in and out of the hospital, nagpahinga kami pareho sa showbiz ni king to take care of amari, until she couldn't take it anymore.

"anak, rest na, I don't want you in pain anymore, it's okay to rest na amari, mama will be fine. Mama will take care of Dada for you, okay lang anak, rest if you want na." 

I remember the exact words I told her, with pain in my chest. King holding my hand and amari's,

Amari's gentle smile, her soft voice, mumbling words, so king took off her oxygen mask,

"love you mama, love you papa"

In her soft voice and unclear words, but it was enough for me and king to understand.

"rest na anak."

King said and as soon as she closed her eyes, the machine beeped so loud it was deafening. I cried like i've never cried before.

How can the cruel world took my three year old child? with nothing but love and care in her heart from me and king? A child that still has a lot of potential?

I still remember the doctors rushing in and trying the best that they can to revive amari, I didn't know that sorrys can be that painful, until the doctors said "I'm sorry but your daughter is gone" I hugged amari until I couldn't anymore, until the doctor had to get her away from me,

King whispering in my ear,

"kaya natin to gia, kaya natin to,"

over and over again, until I fell asleep, in the hospital room where my amari used to lay.

Pero hindi namin kinaya. A month after the cremation and putting amari in the mausoleum. All hell broke loose, king started to drink while I was not eating at all, staring at the wall, hugging amari's clothes that still smells like her.

Until king cheated and I had enough. Hindi si kryza yung babae, it was a random girl that he met in a private club.

I tried to forgive him, kasi nga mahal ko siya, and I promised Amari that I will take care of him. I told him that we could start a new life in germany or wherever he likes, but he declined.

He wanted to stay in a place where a part of me died, so I packed my bags and said goodbye, he didn't even look at me in the eye.

"mama is home amari." sabi ni king, I wrapped my arms around king, inhaling his familiar scent.

Masakit pa din, masakit mawalan ng anak. Masakit mawalan ng minamahal.

A part of me died when Amari left us, and A part of me also died when king let me leave him.

Hindi ko na alam kung mabubuo pa ulit ako.