For All I Know (O2L/Youtubers)

20- deep breaths

Arabella's pov/thoughts

Still sat on the couch, they all introduced themselves.

Rebecca. Jenn. Anthony. Andrew. Jack. I already knew Ricky.

A feeling of betrayal began to grow in my body as I smiled slightly and shook their hands. My smile was fake, and I was just about everything but calm and content when I greeted them.

Together, we all walked to the kitchen. No one said a word as we entered, and still, the room remained silent as we all took a seat.

I sat on a black chair, situated in the corner of the room. No one spoke, and I knew all eyes were on me I began to feel very insecure. I no longer wanted to be here.

Ricky took a seat beside me. The chair wasn't close enough to make me feel claustrophobic, but I sure didn't feel comfortable.

The atmosphere had seemed to have changed. Not that it was any lighter before, but I think it had gone from worried to increasingly concerned and/or confused.

"Here's your phone," Ricky told me, breaking the silence with his lisp'd voice.

His hand stuck out to me with my phone in it. I stared at the ground as I reached out to take it. I hadn't bothered to look up yet. If I had, I'd probably have already cracked under the pressure.

I managed a small thanks in return for my phone, but I'm not exactly sure if Ricky had actually heard me.

"Are you alright?" someone asked from somewhere around the room.

It took me a few seconds to realize that whoever it was, was talking to me.

My head hung in shame as I slumped into the chair. I felt awkward and unwanted, knowing the question that still loomed over me.

I nodded my head slightly, looking up quickly to ensure that all eyes were on me. They were, and the idea of bolting welled inside of me.

"You can tell us the truth," another voice suggested. I clenched my jaw and set it tightly. I got it.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up again and met Ricky's gaze quickly. I shot him a look that I hoped could burn metal. I was pissed.

He had looked on my phone.

"Can I speak with you?" I asked, still staring at Ricky, "Alone?"

He lowered his head in shame when he realized I knew what he did. Breaking our eye contact, he looked at the ground.

I slowly stood up, gripping the chair in the attempt to keep my balance. Once I had, I walked out of the room. I heard Ricky stand up and he soon joined me in the hallway.

Since I knew our conversation would be easily audible for the others still inside the kitchen, I shut the door behind us and walked back into the living room instead.

"Listen, before you get ma-" Ricky started, but I cut him off.

"Mad?" I looked at him as if he was an idiot, my voice a harsh whisper. "You think I'm mad?"

He shrugged and for a second I had the instinct to slap him. But of course, I didn't.

"I'm fuming!" I practically yelled, staring up at Ricky's solemn-looking expression. I went on.

"You invaded my privacy, heck! you didn't even tell me you had picked up my phone in the first place!" I was close to yelling now, but I knew I had to keep my calm, at least for right now. "You confronted people that I don't even know about it! What do you think they're going to think of me now? A freak show. You can't put me on the spot like that. It was pretty obvious what you did. We're leaving. And I don't fucking care if you say no, because, God help you, if you wanted to stay, I'd drag you out to your car and drive us home myself!"

With that, I spun on my heel and stalked out of the front door. I made my way down the stairs at an even pace before finally stopping at the Ed of the sidewalk. Cars sped on the road in front of me, fast enough to take out a person. I watched them distantly until I finally felt Ricky come to stand next to me.

He took ahold of my hand tightly, and led the way to his car without a word. He had lost all trust that he had for me.

Tugging my hand apart from his, I walked to the passenger door of his car an got in. He was already getting in on the driver's side.

Strapping my seatbelt, I sighed into the comfortable leather of his car an waited for him to start the car. I had my eyes closed and head back.

5 minutes passed by and still, Ricky hadn't started the car. I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me. He opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, but then quickly shut it, as if thinking otherwise. I waited patiently for him to say whatever it was that he wanted to. It didn't take long for his trembling voice to break the silence.

"When were you going to tell us?" he asked me, making me turn to look at him. His eyes looked tired and his hair was messy. It was the first time I had ever been able to really look at him. But this wasn't the time to stare at him. I looked down at my feet. I knew what he meant.

"Be honest," he added in a pleading voice.

My stomach flipped and I suddenly felt very lightheaded. I didn't want to tell him. I couldn't. Because now I feel terrible for lying to them all. The realization hit me just then that Ricky knew. I know, I found out early, but now the possibilities were running through my mind like the road runner mascot on steroids.

Ricky could tell the other guys. He could tell anyone. Heck, he already told Andrew, and Anthony, and Jenn, and Jack, and Rebecca. I shivered at the thought. They know my biggest secret and not only that, but I flipped out on them and probably totally embarrassed myself and Ricky.

If the other guys found out, they'd think I was weird. They'd know I've been lying. They'd know that I'm the hopeless case whose friends abandoned her and whose mother could most likely care less. They'd kick me out and I'd loose everything, not just a place to stay or somewhat friends, but my dignity and ego, or at least what is left of it. I'd hit rock bottom, and there'd be no way out.

I didn't want to use the other guys. I wanted to become their friend. But now that I think about it, all I've done is take. I'm not half as grateful to them as I should be. And after everything they've done for me, I go and lie to them.

My thoughts gripped me, and tightened around my lungs. I struggled to breathe for the second time today.

I HAVENT UPDATED IN FOREVER SORRY.

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