Haikyuu!! X Reader

xx. Kōtarō Bokuto

Bokuto has been your best friend for as long as you remember. From the first time you lost a tooth, entering school, gaining friends then later losing them, Bokuto was always right there by your side. He has yet to see your first heartbreak, as he himself was, and is always gonna be a first love.

Perhaps soon you'll get to that. The heartbreak, I meant.

You both now on your last year of high school. There are a lot of firsts you both got to experience, but this was the first time that you felt conflicted towards something and you couldn't tell Bokuto about it. It was strange, not being able to pour out the overflowing emotions to the silver-haired man.

Sometimes the careless aura he emitted resulted envy on your part, you yourself would like to be unfamiliar with doubts and weight as well. But only because of his help, you were able to see beyond those. It's just his thing, pushing away the cloudy parts, then like the center of attention he always is, he stood there shining like a sun, bright spark you always thought was annoying lightened around him.

Imagining Bokuto moved your weak-willed motivation a little. If you were to tell him about a boy you were fond of he would say something like,

"If you like someone then be proud about it! Face the feelings and confess! That's what I would probably do, I think."

You smiled a little at the scenario, even though it never happened. Because of that, you were determined. You decided that liking Bokuto was an honor and something you couldn't regret in your life ever. You were going to confess.

And that,
was where you went wrong.

-

"Eh.. but (y/n), I never thought of you that way. You've always been a precious little sister to me, and that will never change." He smiled lightly, your heart was already on your stomach by the word 'never'. "Yeah I imagined you would say something along those line," you said hanging your head, ashamed, mad, embarrassed.

Yet above all of that, it hurt.

You knew exactly that Bokuto took lightly the feelings you have towards him, that you were just confusing friendship love and romantic kind of love. Worse, you have nobody to blame for that.

That was your first heartbreak,
and the first time Bokuto wasn't there beside you.

You cried you heart out on multiple nights, going to school absolutely sleep-deprived. You went through hell and back, by going forth to school and home. For once in your life you had arrived a thought that maybe without Bokuto on your sight you would've felt better sooner than this.

But that wasn't the case. The case was worse.

The smile Bokuto wore to greet you did not change in the slightest. You would be grateful to even receive a pitiful smile from the guy but this was much worse. Your confession did not even cross hid mind twice, you guessed. It really wasn't nice that he did not know the struggle to keep a normal expression around him.

He wasn't even holding back. He pat you on the head, often you found his arm slung over your shoulder on conversations you were not even a part of. His friends would notice the disapproving feature on your face when he did that, except himself. That was the most frustrating part.

That you were not taken seriously at all that day.

That he thought your feelings was a mere mistake.

That you felt like, that day was something you should regret.

-

The last bell rang, class dismissed.

You immediately head to the door, suddenly getting an idea that finding an exit was some kind of urgent. It's been suffocating, these days. The heaviness on your chest was almost unbearable. You seriously thought your heart wasn't gonna make it and it will break for the second time, in such a short period.

"(y/n)!" A god damned unwanted voice rang through the quiet courtyard corridor. You've taken a detour to avoid the damned guy but to no avail, he's taken one as well. You were hurt and vulnerable, yet the grin on his face while practically jumping towards you did not take a notice even a tad bit.

"Let's hang out today!"

You closed your eyes, overwhelmingly devastated. Your heart just broke for the second time that week. All you wanted was time, away from reality, away from people, away from Bokuto, and definitely away from this, unsettling feelings.

It was horrible, that he wasn't at all aware about, this.

You walked towards him, gently putting a fist on his chest, then gripping the fabric tightly. Unexpectedly tight, from the usually quiet and reserved girl. Bokuto stayed quiet, thinking you were acting a bit strange.

"Kou, I beg you."

The tears started to flow, your throat was in desperate need of air.

"If you can't return my feelings." You scrunched his uniform even tighter, "then at least let me go." You held the sobs with every fiber of your being, thinking you've done that one nights too many.

Bokuto kept a straight face, clearly respecting the time you needed to vent out all sort of things inside you.

"Don't call for me anymore, don't look at me, don't be on my field of vision, don't-" Even though you said that as slow as possible, while managing your breathing. The waves of sobs still came and completely washed over you. You couldn't finish the sentence. It wasn't something you wanted at all, it was something you thought that had to be done, that it was the cost you had to pay for you to move on.

Bokuto put a hand behind your head, pulling you into his chest. You continued to cry, half hoping Bokuto would deny something, anything.

He did not.

The volleyball player muttered sorry over and over like a broken radio, leading you to even cry harder.

God and heaven –hell, even the devil knew, that the word 'sorry' break more than it fix.