What We Do For Fun // Gawsten

Chapter 11

Geoff's P.O.V.

"Geoff!"

I opened my eyes seeing Awsten right in front of me. 

"Are you okay? You just kinda ran in here and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

I looked around seeing we were in the boys restroom while the service was still happening. "Yeah I'm fine.", I say trying to regain my normal breathing rate. 

"Stop with that! You're obviously not fine. What's going on with you? Something is going on and I won't leave until you tell me. You may hate me and be annoyed by me, but when someone's hurting I'm here for them no matter what the situation is.", he said sitting right in front of me on the restroom floor. 

Tell him. 

No don't he's just messing with you. 

The two phrases kept going in and out of my head and I was in competition with myself. My thoughts kept getting mixed up until I finally blurted out something I never wanted to know. 

"How did you know you were gay?"

That surprised him. He looked conflicted like he didn't want to tell me, but then he finally spoke up. 

"I just kinda ... knew. I never was in a real relationship with a girl. It was all kinda just hookups, until I met this guy named Jawn. He was my first relationship and I just felt attracted to him like no one else. Everytime I saw him, I would instantly feel happy and safe. I would always want to hold his hand and have him hold me. I just knew.", he said sincerely. "But ... did your parents approve?", I asked. "My mom obviously not," he scoffed and rolled his eyes, "if I even try to talk to a boy, she immediately tells me to back off. My dad was different though. He was like me. He didn't do the whole church thing. He more kinda did his own thing and believed what he wanted to believe. He didn't care I was gay or that I wanted to stand out by dying my hair and wearing whatever I wanted. He loved me, but he had to leave which is why I'm back with my mom now.", he finished looking down playing with his fingers.

"Can I ask you something?", Awsten asked and I nodded. "Why are you asking this? Are you thinking about something or ...?", he trailed off making me tense up. "No! No. You're okay. You're fine. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I was just curious. You've told me a million times, you're not gay. I get that. I just thought maybe you might be thinking about something a different way, but if not then it's fine.", he said giving me a slight smile. 

"Can you hold my hand?", I asked quickly. "What?", he looked taken back from that. "It's just you said you always wanted to hold that guy's hand.  I just wanted to know if ...", I trailed off not knowing where I was going with this. "Only if you are absolutely sure.", he said looking at me in the eye. I nodded and just like that he took my hand in his and we just sat there in silence. 

"How does it feel?", Awsten asked. 

"It's okay.", I say aloud, but there were really three words I wanted to say. 

Happy and safe.