It's one of the strangest feelings, telling someone that you love them.
I think that the moments leading up to it are the worst though.
The way your mind races through thoughts of everything that could happen; from him spitting in your face to an immediete proposal. It always pops into your head and you cant shut your brain up. That’s what I am considering now.
I am standing on the doorstep to the Horan household as I stare at the looming knocker. The gold ring is worn, from hundreds of hands knocking it all the time. It is such a common move to me, hitting the thick wood with that knocker. I almost forget what Im there to do.
Who am I kidding? I wish I could forget what I was there to do.
I look down, flattening out the floral skirt that Niall once complimented me on, as if it would make a difference. Niall has never been the one to care too much about what you were wearing. However, despite this, I still spent a good hour choosing my outfit.
“Come on. Do it in 1, 2,3…… 4, 5,6,7. JUST DO IT!” I bargainined and muttered to myself as I comtemplated just going home, picking up a few cats along the way to begin my collection as a lonely old hag.
I squeezed my eyes shut and simply imagined holding Niall’s hand again. I imagined kissing the corner of his mouth. I imagined stoking his dyed hair. I imagined him telling me he loved me everyday, now until forever.
With these thoughts dancing around my mind, I picked up the bronze and pounded it against the wood. The finality of my actions simply strengthened my resolve.
Not a moment later, I heard a scream, some chatter, a laugh and then the door was being tugged open.
When the door first began to move, I practiced how I would do it within my mind. The scene running a million miles an hour within my head.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Simple. Easy. Happy. Perfect.
Life is never that fair is it?
“I told you I would get it. SHUT UP!” She called back into the house with a giggle. Kym was standing there, her big smile flashing everywhere. She smiled back into the house before turning and grinning at me. Her brown hair was in a plait and she wore joggers and an old t-shirt of Niall’s.
“Hey Alice! I haven’t seen you around! Niall didn’t tell me you were coming over.” She smiled.
“Ahhh, no. I just have to talk to him. It can wait though.” I rambled as she looked at me with dismay.
“Oh, so its serious?” She laughed again.
Why was she here?
It was the bluntest of confessions and thoughts running through my mind: Why did she get to spend time with MY Nialler while I was stuck without him.
“I’ll talk later I guess.” I smiled as I took a step away from the door as she cocked her head.
“Why? Its all fine. Come on in!” She grinned again, pulling me in by my wrist. It felt strange.
Here was an intruder into Niall and I’s relationship inviting me into his house. It felt unknown and distant. This was my home away from home and I felt that I had to be careful. I had to be careful around this whole section of my life that has become so messy lately.
She poked her head into the lounge room. I followed her gaze and saw chocolate wrappers, popcorn and a blanket on the couch. A still scene from an episode of Misfits paused on the television.
“Where has my boyfriend gotten to?” She smiled, looking around further.
“W-What? Boyfriend?” I asked.
What does she mean boyfriend. Is it a slip of the tongue?
Please let it be a mistake.
“Niall didn’t tell you?” She asked, slightly worried about my face. I could feel the colour being sucked out from my cheeks as I lost all feeling in my fingers.
The rapid thumping of my heart brought me back into reality as I realised that I no longer had any moisture in my mouth. My heart was shattering around me.
People always write songs about heartbreak but it dosent tell you how absolutely painful it is.
My lungs hurt from choking back sobs.
My hands hurt from clenching them.
My lip hurts from biting it so hard.
Everything is throbbing and twisting with pain, but none more so then my heart. It is literally pulsing with hurt and longing.
“No. We haven’t talked much recently.” I managed to choke out in response to her inquiry.
“Oh, that’s a shame. I know how close you were.” She says sympathetically.
I cant take anymore. I cant hold back tears of loss and guilt as I turn and walk quickly out the front door. My shoes hitting the round hard only intensify the pain shooting throughout my body.
“Alice?” I faintly hear Niall call in the background, but im already gone.
My feet are hardly touching the floor anymore as I raggidly run away.
Replaced.
That’s how I feel. He replaced his best friend and upgraded to a relationship. I had new software coming in. I just wasn’t given a chance. Maybe I was, but I blew it and this whole mess has me kicking myself.
I cant go home. I cant go to Zayn’s. I cant handle pity.
I need mindless. No questions.
I need someone who will be there while I figure out where “there” is.
Harry.
**
Hello sweeties,
I love you lots and lots.
Also, new upload scheduale.
One upload on the weekend and one upload on Tuesday. Next Tuesday it will be 'Stay With Me'.
See you on Tuesday, let me know what you think.
GiGi
xxx
YOU ARE READING
So Close
FanfictionAlice feels the weight of the world on her shoulders since her mother's death and is practically raising her younger sister Nell. She always had her best friend Niall to count on, but when things change between them, will she be able to keep her hea...
