I sat in the chair, surrounding the table with the other members of Bangtan. Despite being there I still felt so distant. After 6 years you'd think I'd learn to trust them but I couldn't. I'd gone for so long without a shoulder to cry on and that wouldn't stop then. My life has been riddled with depression, social anxiety and even OCD. Ive always been afraid of everything. When I'm in public I can feel their eyes on me, even before I was an idol this was the social paranoia I had to deal with. And when I'm not in public, it's my own mind that terrifies me. With a constant and strict routine set to follow. Rules that make it impossible to live. And I mean that quite literally. But if it wasn't my minds own torturous rules that broke me, it would be the things my mind told me. The things I told me. Because there was no bully, or anti-fan that could say anything as bad as I could. But despite this, my members never could help me. Because I could never trust them. Even if I wanted to, when I was sobbing at 3am and really just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it would be ok, and they would be here for me. I knew that could never happen. I could never give somebody the piece of me. And before I knew it, I almost grew to resent the other members, for not helping me even though I never told them I needed it.
Note:
Hi so I edited this chapter cuz I hated the way I wrote it the first time I wrote it. So yeah :)
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Fingertips | BTS Depression
FanfictionThe suffocating feeling of sadness. The purple coloring of breathless struggle. The numbness of decay and the words that try to escape his mouth. WARNING: Strong themes of suicidal behavior and mental health issues! DISCLAIMER: I am in no way trying...
