Fingertips | BTS Depression

My Piece

Joon sat next to me as I began to tell him everything. Well at least enough for him to ask less questions.

"I don't know when it started. But I have this odd social phobia. I think that besides my ocd that's the thing that's the worst to deal with. When I'm out in public, or even just with anyone in general, I feel like I'm constantly being watched. I've been like that since I was a teen, and I guess I thought becoming an idol would help me gain confidence. So maybe I wouldn't care as much. But it just made it worse. When I leave the house, I just wanna hide and become nothing. That can lead to panic attacks. This phobia is always bad, even at home I'm paranoid a fan is somehow watching. I'm afraid to do the things I do, and I always check under my bed or in my closet. Just in case. Still I feel paranoid."

Joon spoke up, "I feel like that when I'm at home sometimes too. Not as bad as you do, I don't think, but I think this is something we all feel. It would be weirder if you didn't feel a little paranoid from time to time considering how large our fan base is." He chuckled. This made me crack a genuine smile. "But is this why you were so upset today?" He said in a more serious yet concerned tone.

"Well," I took a deep breath, "actually today I felt something else." I looked down. The thing I was about to say could change the way he views me forever. "I felt hopeless today. I felt so worthless. And I just wanted to give up. I know I should've told you guys this a long time ago but I have had depression for majority of my life. I didn't tell you because I thought it mean I couldn't be in BTS anymore. And you guys and ARMY are what I've been living for. There were so many times I just wanted to end it all, and I still feel like that sometimes. But I just keep thinking 'what would ARMY think?' And I can never go through with it." I looked at him, not knowing what kind of reaction to expect. Instead he hugged me.

"I'm so glad you didn't though. There have been times where I felt lost too. Mostly during our trainee years, and the earlier days of BTS. But it was you that helped me through it. Even though you never knew it, you gave me a reason to keep going on this path when I was ready to give up this dream." He then looked me in the eye, it made me nervous, I never liked eye contact. "I'm sorry we couldn't help you in the past, but with your permission, I would like to tell the other members, and maybe then we could help you get better?"

I looked down with an uneasy feeling in my stomach, "Okay. I guess that could be fine. But please tell them not to smother me. I still want my space, ya know?"
He laughed, "Of course, No worries. I'm gonna leave now but please don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. All I want is to help you." And with that he smiled, got up and left.

Well, that didn't go as planned. I wanted to give him nothing but instead I gave him an entire part of me. But I can still keep the most disturbing secrets. So hopefully it won't be too bad.