Fingertips | BTS Depression

My Panic

While in the car, I just put my earbuds in. I lay my head on the window and just watch the trees and buildings pass by. Then I start to see drops on the window. It's raining. That's fine though. I like the rain. I'm not a fan of the sun, it's too bright and hot. Eventually though, we had arrived at the dance studio. We exited the car and Jin locked it. 3 times. He can be really understanding and nice. I appreciate it. We then entered the building and made our way to the practice room. As we walk in the pratice room, we set our stuff down and immediately started stretching. I was trying to stretch when I got really dizzy. I stumbled slightly, placing my hand on the wall for temporary support. I stayed like that for a few seconds before a hand was placed on my shoulder. I jumped slightly, regretting the sudden movement. I turned to see Jungkook.
"Hyung, are you ok? I know you're probably annoyed from me asking but you just seem off." His brow was furrowed and his head tilted in worry.
Anger rose inside of me. I know he was only trying to help but it made me so furious that he cared and I didn't even know why. I took his hand off my shoulder and glared at him. I walked off to stretch by another wall. Practice went by slowly. We danced and worked on individual things as usual. However, the whole day I had a headache and my stomach hurt. I don't know if it was hunger or the guilt of being mean to Jungkook and Joon.
Eventually though, it was time to leave and head home. Its was midnight so everyone was extremely tired. Me included but I hadn't been sleeping a lot lately, so I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, well that, and the added guilt. Actually the guilt had been eating at my mind all day. I felt anxious already because of my 'off day' but this was making it worse. A lot worse. I can't beleive i was so rude to them! Why would I do that? They were trying to help me! Im so rude, why am I like this? They hate me now! They all hate me! They don't want me in the group! Im such a burden! I-
Shit. I can't breathe. Not here. In the car. With the members. Oh god. My legs Are bouncing. Uncontrollably. No please please pleeeaaase not here. Breathe. Breathe. Not here. Not here. Not here. Not. Here.
"Hyung is everything alright?" I think someone whispered that. I really cant tell right now. Just nod. Conceal the panting. Breathe quiet. Be quiet. Nod.
"Oh. We're here." Someone says. I rush out as fast as I can. Running up the stairs and into the house. To my room. Shutting the door. I fall to the ground, as sobs escape my mouth. My breathing picks up again and im shaking. I grope my hair and begin tugging. I start scratching my face. It hurts. My nails hurt. My head hurts as I punch myself.
The door opens. "Hyung do you- Hyung!?" I dont know who it is but they rush over to me. Im still sobbing, breathing fast, my vision is blury, and my heart is pounding. More people are here now. The are holding me and are holding back my hands from hitting myself. Im screaming, kicking and sobbing. Slowly my vision is clearer but my tears are still thick. My face burns and aches from my own punishments. Namjoon, Jin, and Jungkook are hugging me. Hobi, and jimin let go of my arms once they realize I've calmed more. Tae releases my legs from kicking, and just watches.
Watching. They're watching me as I fall apart. Either pitying me or judging me. They're all judging me. I sob more. The thought of people judging me. Of people looking at me. Knowing I exist as such a pitiful being.
"Hyung it's okay. You're okay." Jungkook whispers.
"Everything is fine." Jin says.
"I-Im so sorry." I choke through my sobs.
"Hey, hey, you have nothing to be sorry for." Joon says laced with sympothy.
"Yes I do, I was mean to you and Jungkook. I was so rude and inconsiderate."
"What? No hyung it's fine. We understand. Off day." Jungkook says trying to help.
Thats only makes me sadder though. It makes me feel dirty and like a liar. Like I'm using ocd as an excuse. Like saying 'off day' makes everything okay. But thats not it. I don't know why I was so sensitive but I'm sure it wasn't because of my 'off day' right? I'm not that pathetic. Surely not. Im just a liar. An attention whore.
They leave my side then. Grabbing my hands to support me. They help me to bed and lay me down.
"Everything will be better tomorrow." Jimin says, as they sit on the edge of my bed, seeing me off to sleep.
Perhaps I will rest tonight.