Letters for Red

What do I do?

10/12/18

How can you tell me these things and not feel anything? How the fuck do you still have this effect over me?! You tell me your fondest memories about me and then the next day tell me we're only friends having fun; and that you don't want me falling in love with you again. You're so fucking confusing. I told you I wouldn't fall In love with you. To try and forget how quickly you became the most important thing in my life I recall so much of what we had as if it happened yesterday. Sometimes I just want to give up and tell you everything. A part of me would just want to tell you so that i no longer have this heavy feeling in my chest, just so you know how I still feel. And the other more naive part of me hopes that if I tell you, you'll say that you feel the same. That part of me hopes like a child, waiting for the the best no matter how bad the signs are. You have no idea just how much I miss you. Sometimes I feel like you do feel for me, but you're holding back because of our age difference. It may or may not be true, but just know that, the age difference never once mattered to me. I liked you from the start and then loved you just as you are. I don't want to "live my life and experiment with new things because I'm young." No, I don't care for that. Yes, there are things I'd like to experience and try, but with someone who I truly care about, someone who will show me. Someone who I trust completely. Yes I want to have fun, but I want to have fun with someone I cherish and trust. I want to experience, and try new things with YOU. I want to have fun with YOU.  When it comes to age I don't see age. I see the person who completely captivated my attention.  Someone who has such a grace, elegance, wit, sexiness, thoughtfulness, caring, amazing, and most beautiful woman ever who has completely blown me away.
Just as much as I'd like to try and experience new things with you and have fun; I would also love slow quiet days. Sweet mornings, long lazy days snuggled up on the couch watching movies just enjoying your presence. Nights laying in each other's arms, holding one another as we relish in the warmth of each other; falling asleep to the sound of our hearts beating for one another. I want you as you are. I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you. Sometimes it feels like you do because you text me at the most random hours of the night. When I know it is extremely early for you to be awake. Yet, you send me a message.... it makes me wonder if you're up all night thinking about me, or if you were dreaming of me and you wake up to send me a message or reply to a message I've sent. Do you now begin to understand why I'm so confused? Should o risk it? Should I tell you how I truly feel and show you these words I am writing right now? Or would it just seem creepy and obsessive? I don't think I am being obsessive or any of the sort, it's just that you were this light of hope that found me in my darkest times. You helped me forget about my demons and nightmares that would haunt me day and night. You mean so much to me, you have no idea. These lyrics come to mind.. "Immaculate dream made of breath and skin. Signed with a home tattoo. Happy birthday to you..." remember? The little red heart shaped home tattoo? Or the birthday gift I had thought of gifting you? Everything felt so much more vibrant, colorful, and amazing when I was yours. I was in pure bliss. Now?  Well... everything feels grey. No taste in anything, dull, slow, boring days.