Letters for Red

Fuck your conglomerate

i met someone new. i havent known her long but she- she helped me forget about you for a while. you know its ironic when we met she told me she still wasn't over her ex girlfriend. and i told her i understood. because for a while i was the exact same way about you.  i think i was falling for her. so, again i didnt see the red flags. or maybe i did and i ignored them. whatever. let me tell you more about her. she has short black curls, like mine. perfectlly full eyebrows that arch just the right way. she has such pretty eyes i could stare at them all day. they're brown too. i guess i have a thing for brown eyes, eh? her lips. wow. delicious. full plump pink lips. her body, although we didn't know eachother long, she allowed me the privledge to observe and treasure her body. she isn't thin but thats perfectly fine with me. her body is perfect. shes curvy and exquisite. the epitome of a latin woman. her humor exactly like mine. we clicked instantly. our conversations went from light, to humourous, to serious, to loving. there was never a dull moment.  you know, now that i think of it... she approached me first, just like you. and then left me first. just like you as well. i told her about you. about us. i showed her my scars. just how i showed you. the only two people who have actually seen my scars and instead of putting me down helped me up. we spoke about our fears. she told me how despite her age or independence she was still secretive about her sexuality, due to family customs and traditions. i told her i was the same way. we connected alot due to our similar backgrounds of mexican descent. she told me of things she looked forward to, this upcoming June for example, how she would be attending her very first pride parade in frisco.  i dont know if theres an actual place called frisco, or if she was referring to San Francisco. she would like to watch reruns of old shows, when she said old shows i thought "friends" cause I've never met anyone who doesn't like friends. until her... she hated friends. what she meant by old shows was a show called "living single" or something of the sort. and so we would tease eachother about which show was better, or what cereal was better. like I said, shes an amazing soul! and she like any other human; myself included has had her flaws and struggles. despite all that i didn't care, because who isn't full of flaws? i know i am. shes fucking crazy, but in a briliant and endearing way. she's superstitious, but i found it cute. she cleanses her house, and she even has a goddamn ouija board for crying out loud! she asked me if i had told anyone about her and i said yes, but vaguely. and i asked her the same question and her reply was no, because she didn't want to jinx it. how much cuter can she get?! she writes poetry. most of it inspired by her ex, just as most of my poetry is inpsired by you and me. but there are some poems that aren't tainted by a broken heart,some of her poems are based on her path to self love. shes fucking amazing, i think you two would get along great. she isn't into what you're into though, speaking kink wise. but she wanted to learn. and she was a quick study. she helped me forget about the pain you've caused me. she made me laugh again without it being forced. i didnt have to pretend around her. i felt as if for the first time in a while i was genuinely happy. but then one afternoon a switch flipped. she became distant. i thought it would wear off, but no. she left me just as you left me. and let me tell you. it hurt just as much as when you did it. i- i dont know if her ex came back, or if maybe it had something to do with her family. or perhaps she began to lose interest in me. but she left. she left like everyone leaves. is there something wrong with me? am i not worthy enough for someone? i dont know. what i do know is that after today i realized i must stop. its time i learn to protect myself. protect my heart. its a new year now, and i cannot and will not allow you to hang onto my heart and mind another year. she made me realize that its time i stop being so soft and learn to thicken my skin. she made me realize that perhaps love isnt made for me? theres a spanish song that says, "I wasn't born to love, no one was born for me. i was only a crazy dreamer. my dreams never came true i always searched, but i could never find the love i longed for." so maybe its time i give it up. and so, with this being said. this is my last letter to you. I've told you this before, but i need to take care of my heart and no longer wear it on my sleeve. i must help it heal and keep it in my chest where it belongs and protect it with as many walls possible. instead of putting it in another persons hands to hurt it once again. i give up. im tired of the hurt. im tired of the disappointment, and the emptiness that follows. thank you for being my first love. but fuck you for the heartache and the mind games. as for her. i thank her for the lesson that i shouldve learned with you. I wish for her nothing but the best and may she find whatever it is her heart desires and longs for. hey Red, maybe forever isn't really forever huh?
Goodbye, R. and fuck you.
~A.