Letters for Red

Saying Goodbye

I was listening to some sad music thinking of everything we have gone through. I began to get so emotional, I've never felt hate, not even til this day have I hated you for the way you hurt me. I've felt sadness, hurt, and anger, but never hate. As I contemplated everything that revolved you in my life I began to feel like I need to distance myself from you. I was sitting on the kitchen floor with a heaviness in my heart. I couldn't bare it. I wrote the message: "I know I probably don't cross your mind much anymore, but I hope someday you see something that reminds you of me and the things we would stay up all night talking about and your throat gets tight and heart skips a beat and you finally miss me back, the same way I'm missing you right now. I know at one point you did care, but I don't know what I did that made you stop, I noticed how your messages became more distant, they came slower and shorter and it kills me to think I wasn't good enough. There's not a day I don't think of you. There's not a day I don't miss you. Do you remember when you said you thought I was the perfect girl? To try stuff you haven't tried yet? What happened? I Miss us and what we had before it all fell apart. I can't sleep at night, because all I do is think and wonder, I know to you I was probably just another girl to spend some time with until someone better came along, but know that to me you quickly became the most important thing in my life. You still are, even though I'm trying to change that because it hurts. I can't chase after you anymore love, I won't allow myself to fight for you any longer because I just hurt myself when I realize that no matter how much I try or how hard I fight I won't mean enough to you, not the way you mean to me. No matter what I was doing there's always something that reminded me of you. You cross my mind all the time. And that. That was my downfall. There really is no shortcut in forgetting someone, you just have to endure missing them everyday, until one day you just don't anymore. I've never hurt this bad, I need to take care of my heart. I try to keep myself busy, i drink more, I even got high once, I don't know how I feel about it but at least it made me forget, anything that'll help me forget for a while, forget about the ache at least for a little while, I really miss you, but I promise I'm trying my best to stop, cause I know you don't miss me, and that simple thought is what has pushed me to this decision no matter how bad it hurts I have to say goodbye. God knows I don't want to. God knows how much I still feel for you, but I can't keep exposing myself to this pain. You're poison to my heart darling and I'm slowly dying. Every day I think of you, at night I don't sleep because I'm thinking of you, and when I do manage to sleep I dream of you and it hurts way too fucking much so I have to distance myself. I hate to say this but sometimes I wish I never met you cause all I do is cry when I remember you, and I, and false hope. I wish you the best darling I really do but I honestly cannot be around you anymore it hurts way too much. Soon you'll just be a stranger with all my secrets but I guess that was inevitable. Goodbye Bunny." I hit 'send' and leaned my head back against the wall closing my eyes and let out a sigh as tears ran down my cheeks. God this hurts. I wondered what your reply would be. A part of me thought she'll feel something for me again, she'll tell me she regrets losing me and she'll come back to me. You don't know how hard I wished that would come true. You have no idea how much I hoped for you to change your mind and come back to me. However another part of me knew you probably wouldn't, because never, not once in the off again on again relationship we had throughout the months had I witnessed you regret something. And just as that piece of me rationalized, your response came in. ' I understand, you take good care of yourself. 💋' I was so wrong. I read your message over and over, as I literally felt my heart break, and my face became soaked in tears my body trembled I threw my phone at the fridge across from me and sobbed my heart out, I cried like I've never cried in my life. The pain was unbearable I was already missing you, and I wanted to grab my phone and tell you I didn't mean to send that message that I still wanted you to be a part of my life even if it was just as friends. You were so important to me darling I couldn't bare this feeling or pain. I didn't know what to do I picked up my phone and just before calling you I decided against it. I called my friend instead. I was a sobbing mess and she was in school and as I told her everything that had happened she began to try and comfort me over the phone and get me to calm down. As she was talking I slowly stopped crying and began to feel this numbness in my being. After I hung up the phone I sat on the floor staring at nothing just thinking and reminiscing, I thought to myself: " how the hell am i going to live without her, i already miss her so fucking much" .....Darling, there's not a day ever since that you aren't on my mind. It's been so hard, but I've made it til now, however I feel as though I am numb. I still think of you, and I still miss you, I promise I've tried my best to forget you and what we had, but for me it was so real so amazing, it's just so hard. Baby I promise I'm trying, but sometimes the memories pile up, and my eyes cry and soak my pillow and the heaviness in my heart only gets heavier. But I promise I'm trying Ducky. I promise.