Golden & Gone

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It's always great to be the girl who gets kissed in the hallway by her "boyfriend". But, it's worse  to be the girl left after being kissed by her "boyfriend" to be the stares and judgement of the masses. I don't even know what to call Jacob Tern now; 'boyfriend' is too definite, 'guy I like' is too un-intimate, especially after everything we have done; nothing can describe our relationship. And Jacob certainly didn't want to. Even the word "relationship" doesn't quite fit because it sounds like there is something between us, which of course there is, though Jacob doesn't acknowledge it. Some moments it is like I am his girlfriend, others a stranger.

I rush to AP English. I keep Ms. Anderson's warning in mind, trying not to cement her bad impression of me. I expect Jacob to be there in class when I get there, hopeful he will be as eager to see me as I am to see him. His chair is empty. Theres 3 more minutes till class starts, he could still get here...

I twirl my hair around my finger in attempt to look unaffected by his absence as the whole class stares at me, all whispering to one another about my make out session in the hallway. I literally twiddle my thumbs with my ears trained on the door in hope to be able to pick the sound of his feet treading on the hallway carpet outside the classroom. The bell rings. 

Jacob didn't show up. He wasn't in class. I spent the whole class with my eyes trained for any sudden movements outside our classroom windows and outside the door. Nothing. Zip. Zed. Zero. I wanted to scream and tear out my hair in frustration. WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO! I start getting irrational; what if he decided to go back to homeschooling and I'll never see him again. What if he decided to drop this class so he wouldn't feel obligated to be my boyfriend so he could be free? What if he passed out in the boys bathroom and nobody will every find his body until it's too late and he dies? What if he was kidnapped? What if he was attacked? What if he ran away? What if he committed suicide? What if he accidentally overdosed and is now crying out my name to save him? The panic is making my breath rapid, my face flush, and my palms sweat. I am trying to keep my chill until passing period starts, but I can feel my mental resolve waning as my gears continue to speed out of control. 

"MS. ANDERSON!!! I Really don't feel too well, would it be terribly difficult for me to go and get some water from the fountain in the hallway". I bolt to the door leaving Ms. Anderson's response still hanging on her tongue. I race down the hallway to the student parking lot, desperate for answers. There it is. Jacob's sports car is still in its parking spot. Jacob must still be on campus...oh, hell! What the hell is wrong with me? Shit, am I becoming a needy controlling stalker girlfriend who needs to know her boyfriends every move? 

Wait a minute... no, we are not dating; it was a fling nothing more. I need to let go of Jacob Tern and focus on my life. I can't get sucked into this. Jacob is playing with me. The longer I obsess over him then the more that he will suck me in. It's like a prank, a game. I'm in a one sided relationship with someone who doesn't even know that he's in a relationship. I need to get out of this unscathed while I still can. I need to separate myself from Jacob and remove all feelings and strings between us before they strangle me. 

My breathing is slowly steading as I draw this conclusion, but a heavy pit in my stomach is starting to form at the realization of my foolishness. Suddenly, I jump as I feel a burst of breath on my neck. I whip around and find an amused Jacob Tern smirking at me. His body relaxed. Mine tense.

"What are you doing here! Why would you want to sneak up on me and scare the life out of me!". His eyebrows raise in a perplexed expression. 

"One could say the same thing to you Miss Thompson, why on earth are you here glaring at my car?".

I don't know how to respond. If I tell him the truth I will look like an idiot, but if i don't then i will have to come up with an excuse which all will be unbelievable as for there is no good reason to be staring at someone else's car in the middle of a parking lot while skipping class. Either way, I will  like a psycho stalker. I bite down on my lower lip trying to look a little bit more preoccupied and less like I am stalling. One of my favorite dismissive tactics is a shrug which in this case was all I needed to dismiss Jacob's response expecting expression.

 "Fine, Brie. Don't tell me then. I really couldn't care less". the last part stings as I know he did it on purpose. The elastic band that was my patience snapped inside me. 

"You know what Tern, I am done with you treating me like crap. If you couldn't care less about me than stop showing up at my doorstep to take me to school. Stop taking me on horseback rides. Stop manipulating me so I allow you to hook up with me. Stop kissing me in the hallway. Stop staring at me all the time like a pervert! Just stop even acknowledging my presence if I mean so little to you. Also, #1, stop playing with my head and make me think that you actually like me and want to date me and then act like I disgust you and completely shut down. Get the hell out of my life Jacob Stern until you see how much better I deserve than you and until you start treating me a whole hell better than this crap you've been putting me through!". The words spilled out and all I wanted to do was swallow them back up again. Surely some Jacob was better than no Jacob at all. I wanted to cave. More than anything in my life. But I couldn't let myself be seen as weak though to him or I would never get the respect I deserved in any of my romantic relationships to come. With all self control left inside me, I walked away head held high as the tears silently poured down my face. Jacob made no effort to catch up with me and to try to sway me as I marched away nor did he for the rest of the day.