Not Weak, Just Stronger

Chapter 15: You And Me

"Sabrina, you do realise you can get into serious trouble for this, right?" Lauren said after she managed to get Sabrina to put the knife down. She held her hands up defensively as she slowly approached the girl sitting on Lauren's bed in one of her hoodies she gave to her a long time ago.

Sabrina kept her eyes closed and nodded slowly. She took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm herself before she could speak. "Lauren, I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't gonna cut it. You leaked very important information, I had to cancel and change everything. I lost 500 dollars already," Lauren tried to keep her voice calm and not make things worse by yelling.

"I had to do it. I don't know why, but I needed to otherwise these voices in my head wouldn't shut up about you and how badly I feel. It was impulsive and stupid, I know that. But I couldn't leave it alone," Sabrina opened her eyes and got up from the bed. She took a step toward Lauren and Lauren took two steps back. This hurt her. "I'm not going to hurt you. I just needed to do some damage."

"You've done enough," Lauren grimaced. "Why couldn't you just tell me the truth? You could've told me you weren't okay, that we needed to have a long talk, you didn't have to go off and play games."

"Isn't that what you like, Lauren? The girl who plays games and doesn't talk it out? The girl who does things behind your back?" Sabrina fired, tears burning in her eyes.

Lauren clenched her teeth and jaw and looked the other way. Angry with Sabrina or not, it pained her to see her ex girlfriend hurting and defeated. She understood her...they understood each other more than anyone. Lauren saw where Sabrina was coming from and she didn't know what to say.

"I never wanted you to be that girl. That's Camila, that's not you."

"You're in love with her though. All this time you have been, I wasn't enough for you. I tried so hard to be everything she couldn't—everything you needed and it still wasn't enough! Why couldn't you just tell me?" Sabrina wiped her nose and almost choked on her own sobs. "You couldn't tell me I wasn't what you were looking for? Couldn't just tell me I was only there for you to make her jealous and temporarily fill the emptiness in you that only she could feel? That I was just keeping her spot warm?"

"Camila, I—Sabrina—"

"You can't even call me by my name," she laughed ironically, sniffling after. She looked away from Lauren now, turning her whole body around. "Wow."

"It wasn't like that, Sabrina. I was hurting over Camila but I genuinely thought I'd never get her back," Lauren wasn't afraid to approach her now. She stood behind her, not daring to touch her yet. "I had a little thing for you since the day I first met you. I was starting something new with you when we met again. I wanted us to have a chance, I really did—"

"But you couldn't give yourself one," Sabrina finished then finally turned around. "You never truly allowed yourself to let go of Camila. I know the things you did, Lauren. All of it. I forgave it because I loved you and because I was stupid enough to think you actually wouldn't play me. You don't seem like the type but you are."

"I didn't play you. I just made a mistake," Lauren weakly defended.

"A mistake? You were happy to make it!"

"Sabrina, we already talked about this!" Lauren snapped. She balled her fists then loosened her hands to run her fingers through her hair. Her voice lowered when she asked, "Why can't you just let me go and move on from it? Why do you need to try and sabotage me and Camila?"

"Because you get to walk away with a happy ending and I have to sit alone with the kind of thoughts that make me feel worthless, and that convinces me killing myself over any little thing that hurts is the right answer. But this isn't a little thing, Lauren. It's big. It attacks me everyday and it...crushes me, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. I wish I could move on, really, I do. If you think I want to feel this way and react to my emotions so dangerously, you're wrong," she sat back down on the bed and buried her face into her hands. "I want it all to end. I want to wake up and feel okay again. I want the thoughts of you and her to leave and I want to stop feeling things so intensely. I don't understand how you can tell me you love me and we were actually something if you're...if you're fine."