Not Weak, Just Stronger

Chapter 27: The One Who Smiles Brightest...

A/N: At the start of this chapter, play Hymn For The Missing by Red as intended for a better read. Then Someone To Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic later on.

*TW: Suicide, drug overdose, mention of self harm. Read at your own risk or skip if it's too much.

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6:22am - Manhattan, New York

'Tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark.
Thought you were beside me...
But I reached and you were gone.
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore.
I hear you crying softly
For the way it was before.'

Jesse had already popped three 10/325mg of Percocets, two xanax bars, and held a bottle of gin in one hand. He pushed open his bedroom door with his shoulder and stumbled in, forgetting to close the door all the way and lock it. He twisted and fell back on his bed and started sobbing. Jesse cried for himself...because everything was ending...because it was finally about to be over and he wouldn't have to do this anymore. He cried for all of his friends and swore to God he was sorry for doing this to them but he didn't feel like he had a choice. This was it for him and he already made up his mind. There was no backing out now.

Jesse had been planning this for a while now. This wasn't new and a spur of the moment kind of thing, he's just been really good at keeping quiet about it. When visiting his family, he hoped to find a reason to stay and a sign that what he wanted to do was wrong-he wrongfully thought things have changed and love was waiting for him at home but it wasn't. In his mind, he focused on every reason pointing him in the direction of leaving. And he also got a sign all right, but it wasn't the kind of sign that encouraged him to back out of his plan.

"No one told you to come here! Mom isn't here right now so you can drop the act that you're a good person. You're a TERRIBLE person who puts on a show for everyone because nobody wants to see how ugly you are."

"What are you going to do with that knife? Kill me? You can't even kill yourself. You're too much of a coward so put it down if that's not what you're going to do, pussy."

Jesse downed the bottle of gin and didn't stop drinking until he physically couldn't anymore. It burned like hell. A couple of minutes then his breathing started to slow and his eyes blurred with a dizziness in his head. Endless streams of tears rolled down his cheek and ended up dripping by his ears. He dropped the now half empty bottle of gin and waited as the voices and flashes came to him. Flashes of being held down and choked after his sister spat on him, flashes of good memories with his friends, flashes of seeing his puppy get thrown into the street then hit by a car, flashes of himself from a 3rd person point of view telling himself it'll get better as it continuously got worse.

'Where are you now? Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone? Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?'

"You're doing great, Jesse. I love you, kid."

"You act like I don't have depression too! I would never make fun of someone who has depression, it's all in your head. Don't accuse me of something you'd do."

"Jesus Christ, Jesse, shut the fuck up!"

"I'm glad to hear you're doing well, I hope to be as cheerful and happy as you are someday."

"Look at the cuts on his arms. At least some people aim for the neck instead of their wrists."

Jesse's eyes rolled side to side then shut. Everything was starting to hit him all at once, everything was fading. Euphoric. Sickening. Breathing was getting harder to do.