Not Weak, Just Stronger

Chapter 59: Go Down With Me, Fall With Me, Let's Make It Worth It

November 15th, 2024
Friday, 10:30am, Miami Beach, Florida

Mirrors. Lauren tried to avoid them and very quickly dodge her reflection anywhere that offered it. From being obsessed with looking at herself to wanting to die or crawl out of her skin every time she accidentally caught a glimpse of who she was—how she looked. Lauren felt insecure a lot of the time these days. That was kind of expected considering what had happened to her. However, this was not the reason why looking at herself hurt. It wasn't because she thought she was ugly, or because she developed the habit of staring at herself long enough as she knew there was a lot of things wrong to find and obsess about. No, certainly none of that. The reason was because Lauren looked more like Clara, not Chris. And because she looked like Clara, she felt stuck and haunted by the ghost of her mother. Clara's death only hit hard when Lauren realised she was the living and breathing better version of her.

Lauren rinsed out her face, splashing cold water onto her skin and smearing it in the inside corners of her eyes. She took a deep breath and kept the water running, getting side-tracked by her reflection again. Lauren stared and stared until her features turned into her mother's. Never has she ever felt more uncomfortable in her entire 24 years of living. Was this how it was going to be now? Was this was how she was going to live? Knowing Clara was no longer physically alive brought her so much peace until realising she was still very much alive in Lauren's thoughts. Clara was always on Lauren's mind—it was her words, her voice laced with disdain and venom, the way her eyes widened and bulged whenever she looked at Lauren, how every conversation came with Clara's purpose to break Lauren emotionally. The longer Lauren held onto those memories, the more upset she became that she wasn't there to see Clara die herself. Fucked up or not, Lauren wasn't in the mood to feel sorry at all. She'd rather go back into a coma than feel sorry for her late mother.

Turning off the faucet required less strength than the first time around. It didn't quite feel right though, so Lauren turned it on again, screwed her eyes shut as tight as she could and blinked rapidly about ten times, felt around the handle and closed her fist around it, squeezed her knee and thigh muscles then knee again, and THEN turned off the faucet. She clicked her tongue, blinked again, and turned around just to find Camila standing there wearing a small smile.

"Please tell me you didn't see all of that," Lauren felt embarrassed.

"What, your tics? That's nothing. I know all about them," Camila motioned to the brush sitting on the counter. "Need some help with your hair?"

"Yeah..." Lauren stepped aside and sat on the toilet lid as Camila picked up the brush and went to work on Lauren's unkempt hair—something the green eyed girl was too weak to do for as long as it took. "You don't think that's weird and ugly to watch, though? I hate it when my tics get the best of me."

"It's not weird or ugly. I've seen it here and there for many years now, it's nothing new and you shouldn't stress about it. Tell me how you're feeling," Camila parted Lauren's hair down the middle, massaged some cream into her scalp, then brushed it out neatly. "Are you feeling okay? Any migraines, blurry vision, fatigue? I noticed you didn't stay asleep."

"Tired but can't sleep. I feel so sad...and yes...my head does hurt. I did remember to take my medicine though!" Lauren smiled at her achievement. Camila smiled too as she finished Lauren's hair.

She crouched down in front of Lauren snd raised a hand to high five her wife. "Super proud of you for remembering, Laur. Would you like something light to eat and some advil?"

"Yes please," Lauren slowly nodded.

"And do you wanna change your clothes or go dressed in your PJs?" Camila thought it was cute Lauren didn't bother changing out of her white t-shirt and green, black, and white plaid pyjama pants; she liked that Lauren didn't care the way she unfortunately cared (too much) about her appearance. And since Lauren got very cold easily, she wore a grey unzipped hoodie to keep warm.