Pen to Paper [N.H.]

5.3 - Influence - Door

Niall's POV

I open the door letting Clo in. I don't hesitate to hug her, it has become a reflex. But she doesn't hug me as tightly as before, she doesn't even wrap her arms around me like she usually does. Is she still mad? Why did she text me first yesterday and accept to come here then? Why was she nice if she's mad? I'm so confused.

She quickly lets go and walk straight to the sitting room, to her now usual spot on the big sofa. I sit awkwardly on a distance from her. I honestly don't know how to behave anymore. I don't know who to listen to. Pushing her away is definitely not the answer. She doesn't even let me do that. She's always here, helping me when I need it. Even if I don't ask her help. She's here to cheer me up. I guess, she really does light up my world like nobody else. See that's the problem. I need her in my life, but I don't want me to be in hers. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

'So, where do you want to eat?'

'Hmm?'

'You invited me here for lunch?'

'Right! Yeah, I was thinking I haven't had any Nando's in a while. Up for it?' I ask her.

'Always!'

After I finish the phone call ordering our lunch, I turn back to her, she's different. She's back to not looking at me properly. Her smile has a bit of worry, concern and pity in it. How can she still care about me after I left her? Why is she so understanding?

'Clo?'

'You're gonna ask me why I'm here, aren't you?'

'I think you know by now that I didn't have something to do here. I don't actually have a reason for what I did. Not a valid one at least. I really am sorry. I just-'

'Ni. It's okay. You don't have to do that.'

'No, please I do.'

I know I'm a horrible person. But I've been living with that for a year now. Hopefully, she won't hate me after this, but it will at least keep her far enough to protect her, but not drive her out of my life completely.

'You deserve to know what happened. When we were in Ireland. What happened... it just... It wasn't... I thought it was but it's not. I'm sorry that I let it go that far, I'm sorry if I led you on. But the truth is... I don't have feelings for you. You're just a friend. And you're writing my book. And that's it. I hated myself for losing control. I'm really sorry. After what happened, I just, I freaked out. And I needed to distance myself to think properly and clearly about everything. And once I did that, I came to that conclusion. I'm really sorry Clo.'

'It's okay. I mean I do work for you. It would be unprofessional for us to get involved anyway. I'm sure this is for the best.'

'Really? Are sure? You're okay with everything I just said?'

'Yeah. Everything is okay. I'm sure. I'm gonna go wash my hands, food should be here any minute now.'

Chloe's POV

 I lock myself in the bathroom, leaning on the sink, staring into the mirror.

'Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.' I repeat to myself.

I mean I know what I said yesterday, what I've been saying for a month. But it still hurt hearing that sentence "I don't have feelings for you". Some part of me is convinced that he's lying. His story doesn't make sense, because we didn't only connect in Ireland. It started before then. Why is he doing that? Is this his way of pushing me away without actually lose me in his life? I don't care if he doesn't love me back right? As long as I'm still a part of his life? That's the deal no? It's not important. So don't cry. This is more than I could've asked for. I should be happy I get to be here!