Pen to Paper [N.H.]

10.3 - Inscription - Tokyo

Niall's POV

While working, wherever we are in the world, it all seems the same. The same routine, different people, but a lot of the same questions. But then we get off work and we get to discover all those beautiful cities. I mean I've seen them before, but I never got to do it with her. She doesn't only make everything I already know and have seen better, but she also takes me to new places I haven't seen before. Every time we got to a new city, the first thing she does is google the most beautiful yet underrated spots in the city, then she sends me a list of addresses on my phone, and we cross them off one by one. We've seen weird things and breathtakingly beautiful places. But of all of those, nothing beats the beauty of the amazed look on her face. It never fails to make me smile from ear to ear.

We're walking along the streets of Tokyo, people all around us, but all I see is her. So ignoring the possibility to get caught, I just mindlessly hold her hand. She looks at me and smiles. What hurts the most is that she's so close and yet so far. I'm not saying her smile wasn't a genuine one, but maybe it's not as big as I would've hoped. I'm doing everything I can to make her happy. I'm taking her wherever she wants, buying her whatever she wants. I always tell her how much I love her and compliment her as often as necessary. And it's not like I'm smothering her. But I just don't know what else to do. I'm trying my best to make her happy but I feel like I'm not good enough... Maybe I just broke her heart one too many times. What if things can't go back to how they were? What if she never fully opens up to me ever again? No, I can't think like that.

'Hey, Ni?'

'Yes, darling?'

'I'm getting tired. Can we go back to the hotel please?'

'Are you sure? We haven't even had lunch yet.'

'We can order room service. I just can't walk anymore I need to lie down.'

'Are you okay? Are you getting sick?'

'No Niall. I'm not getting sick. We just had a long flight and then went to work and then went out. I need to rest a little. That's it.'

We go back to the hotel, she changes into her PJs and I take off my shirt and switch from my trousers into sweatpants.

'Are you gonna fall asleep or just laying down?' I ask her, seeing her laying down on the bed.

'No, just laying down for now. Why?'

I take my guitar and sit on the L shaped sofa with my legs straight, I adjust the pillow on my side and tap the empty space telling her to come lay here next to me instead of on the bed. Thankfully she does so. She lays on her back and looks at me while I start playing. I start with random chords, but somehow, I guess with all the thoughts and fears I have in my head, I find myself playing the beginning of Since We're alone. At first, I start singing with my eyes closed, focusing on the emotions. But then there was this part, I look into her eyes and continue singing.

'I don't know what made you so afraid, don't you know you got the best of me? Yeah, you're everything I want. Anyone can see, Anyone can see your heartache. You can talk to me, It's more than skin deep. But I'm trying. Since we're alone, you can show me your heart. If you put it all in my hand, No, I swear, No, I won't break it apart. Yeah, since we're alone, show me all that you are. And if you get lost in the light, It's okay, I can see in the dark.'

'How can I know for sure?' She asks suddenly.

'Know what?'

'That you won't break it apart. That you can see in the dark and will guide me through it like I did for you.'

'Darling, you're gonna have to trust me.'

'Well, what if I don't?' She croaks as he eyes waters.

'Of course, you don't. I do realise that I've broken your trust. But that was almost 4 months ago. I changed so much since then. Losing you was the worst thing I've ever felt. And I realised how wrong everything I did was. 2 years ago, I was too inattentive, and then with you, I was so paranoid and worried about hurting you that I kept pushing you away and not noticing how much it was actually hurting you. Both were very extreme and wrong attitudes. I learned, I am learning to find a healthy balance. I can do this. I want to do this. If you let me. If you let yourself believe that we have a chance of working out. I mean we've been together for almost 2 months now! I'm still here. I'm not planning on going anywhere. You gotta give yourself the chance to believe it. Darling, please! At least try! I love you so much. More than I did before. You come before all my fears and all my issues. You're my one and only. I promise you that will never change. I know it's hard.' 

I'm trying to hold back my cries. I try my best to not lose hope on the bad days. On the days where she makes me feel like I've broken her beyond repair, that she'll never trust me. But somehow, she's still with me. So that still gives me hope that everything will be okay. Maybe it's the travelling around that's tiring her, but I've been keeping count lately, she's been having as many bad days as good ones. I try not to let that worry me. I always somehow end up cheering her up, whether it's with a song, a joke, a story, food or even a movie.

'So do you want to hear this story?' I ask her and she nods smiling.

'So it was after the tour has finished, I was in London, and I went out to a pub with Conor, Marty, Deo and I.'

I then tell her another one of our drunken adventures because they always make her laugh. Sometimes one is enough to cheer her up, sometimes it takes more. Good thing I have enough of them that I won't run out any time soon. After three stories, the light finally comes back to her eyes.

'I'm sorry.' She sighs.

'What for?'

'I know I'm making this hard on you. It's just-'

'Hey, you don't have to explain yourself. I know exactly what you're going through. Just know I'm always here for you yeah?'

'I know. Thank you.'

She sits up and moves to straddle me with a cheeky grin on her face.

'You're so amazing you know that?'

'I really am not. But I try to be my best for you.'

'I love you, Niall.'

'I love you t-' She interrupts me by kissing me.

It started out soft but quickly got deeper as I kissed her back. She's running one of her hands through my hair as she grips the back of the sofa with the other, steadying herself. My lips suddenly not enough for her, she switches to my neck and collarbones while moving her hips back and forth.

'What's with the mood swing? Where is that coming from?' I ask in shock.

'I just miss you.' She says breathlessly as she kisses my lips again.

'Wait, hold on. Stop. Are you sure you want to do this? You know last time we did this... well the first time we did this together... well bad things happened. I was taking it slow because I was worried that it's not what you want. So I need to make sure. Are you sure this is a good idea?'

'You talk too much.'

'Well, do you want to at least move to the bed? It would be more comfortable.'

'No time.'