Pen to Paper [N.H.]

7.3 - Issues - Well-Being

Chole's POV

'Good morning Darling!' Niall chrips as he walks over to the bed while holding a tray with food on it.

'Wow, that was unnecessary loud! And what is that?'

'That's your breakfast.'

'That's not a breakfast! Where's the cereal or pancakes or I don't know waffles, cupcakes. Not this toast thingy with a tea that doesn't even look like tea!'

'Darling, as much as I love cooking you pancakes, I'm afraid it's a little heavy on your stomach right now. This is healthy, and it's not as bad as it looks it actually tastes good!'

'Prove it! Take a bite of this toast thingy.'

I watch him take a bite and makes some probably fake although very convincing "yummy" noises.

'See it's really good! I like it!' He says.

'Well if you really like it, finish it! I'm not eating that.'

'But, you have to eat to take a pill for your headache!'

'I'm not hungry!'

'Just at least drink the tea.'

'That's not tea.'

'It's a type of tea. Please.'

'Fine!'

'And some toast.'

'No!!'

'That doesn't have anything on it!'

'Will it shut you up?'

'Yes...'

'Alright.'

'You're really cranky this morning!' He complains.

'Well honey, if you can't stand me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.'

'I was just making a comment I wasn't complaining. I don't mind your crankiness.'

'Good!'

I pucker my lips waiting for my good morning kiss, and after he obliges, I add, 'One more thing. As much as I appreciate the gesture, no food on the bed. I just can't stand it. Just thinking of the crumbs stuck in between the sheets where we sleep. Just makes my skin crawl.'

'Sorry, didn't know that.' He apologises picking up the tray again.

I get out of the bed, stand up next to him, kiss his cheek lightly, 'It's okay baby, we're still learning about each other.' Then I make my way to the bathroom.

Niall's POV

I wait for her in the kitchen, as I prepare something she'd enjoy more but that isn't too heavy either. She comes in and we start eating breakfast together.

'So, Any other illnesses I should be aware of? I know you're not allergic to any food, but anything else you're allergic to? Animals?'

'Nop. No allergies. I get really bad migraines sometimes. But as far as physical illnesses go, that's about it. I mean even the flu I rarely get it. Maybe a cold a year? But yeah that's it. what about you?'

'Hmm, well you already know about the joints problem in my family. So I have weak knees and shoulders. And I had a surgery done on one of my knees. And I also have acid reflux so I most of the time go on a diet to lessen the effect as much as possible. For example, I should avoid spices. Of course, that doesn't stop me completely. But I try to be careful.'

'Is it difficult, to manage those things, with the demands of your day to day life as a famous artist? Or even as a regular person.'

'Yeah, it can get challenging sometimes. I really like playing football, but other than the busy schedule, I don't get to play as much as I would like to because of that. And when I travel around the world, I like to get to know the culture I'm surrounded it, and I'd eat anything. Except I can't always do that. It can get frustrating. Feeling like I have to always hold back, I have to think of the consequences of my actions. I mean that's a natural thing to do, but when it comes to my body I have to be extra careful. One mistake can cost a lot. I'd have to cancel shows, delay events, tours, releases. Like two years ago maybe? I had to have a sinus surgery, and I had to wait till I was done with the tour to be able to do it because then I'd be off anyway.'

'Oh okay. Yeah, it can get tough I guess. What about mental illnesses? Anything you'd like to share?'

'Are you interviewing me right now? You switched to that serious voice you do when we're working!' I chuckle.

'I mean if you want me to include it...'

'Yeah okay. But you tell me first about yours.'

She looks at her food, silently taking a bite of it. I guess contemplating whether to tell me or not.

'The thing is. Well, maybe I tend to dismiss my own problems? Like I hear people talking about their OCDs and their anxieties and how bad they can get and how it makes their life more difficult. And while sometimes I feel like I might have those. I mean, I do like certain things in certain ways people don't really understand, and it irritates me when it's not the way I feel comfortable with and have to fix it to my will. But I enjoy doing that. I enjoy rearranging the kitchen cabinets, I enjoy having a specific order for everything I own and do. I enjoy putting this logic to everything. It's not something I consider, for me that is, making my life more difficult. So I feel like I can't exactly talk about it, or say that yes I have that. Same with anxiety. I mean, I'm an introvert. I don't know how to talk to people and I really stress when I have to. But I never say I have social anxiety. I feel like I don't have the right to do so. Because I feel like I'm fine and other people are not and I don't get to take that away from them by saying like yes I have it too.'

'But that's not okay. Everyone deal with it differently, everyone goes through it differently. But you shouldn't dismiss it. It's not something you should refrain yourself from talking about just because you think that other people have it worse than you. That doesn't make your struggles not real. That doesn't make your problems any less important.'

'That's the thing. I don't see it as a problem. At least not the first thing. I don't see it as OCD, a disorder, something unusual that needs to be fixed. To me, again that's just with me personally, not talking about other people, just me to myself. I see it more as a personality trait? Like I'm organised. And that's fine. I'm not bothering anyone anyway. It's just something I enjoy doing.'

'Okay, I get it. I'm the same, to be honest. I have some weird patterns I have to stick to. Some people don't get it. But what about the social anxiety issues? I mean I noticed that you're a little closed off? I noticed it when we were in Ireland at the golf event, I noticed it in LA when we had the barbecue and I invited friends over. I've been aware of the situation. And I've been seeing the efforts you were making. I tried to get you to talk about it before, always made sure you're okay when we were around a lot of people. But I guess I never noticed that you deny it like that. You have to know that it's okay. And don't compare yourself to others. This is about you not them.'

Alright. Thanks, Ni!'

'And remember I'm always here for you. And I'll try my best to help you calm down when it gets too much. I mean I get it. I feel it sometimes before I get on stage, or when I have to go on TV or something. I just do this breathing exercise. And it helps. If you want, when we're surrounded by a lot of people and it gets too much for you, I'll take you to an empty room and we'll try it together okay?'

'Yeah, sounds good.'

I wash my hands in the sink behind me as we just finished breakfast, then walk over to her. I wrap an arm around her waist as she wraps hers around my neck. I look into her brown eyes, effortlessly looking back into mine, as I mindlessly run my hand through her hair. 

'I love you, Chloe.'

We both look at each other surprised, as it's the first time I tell her this out loud. but thankfully, she smiles at me, kisses me deeply, then pulls away long enough to whisper, 'I love you too, Ni!' before she brings back her lips to mine.