l.a baby *billie eilish*

thirty-six

Everything hurt. That's the first thing Roxie was able to notice after her senses came back to her, her eyes were scratching and red because there hadn't been any tears. Even though her body begged her to cry, she refused to let them fall. She refused to believe that there could be people in the world harsh enough, sick enough to ever kill a man. And with Roxie's luck, it of course happened to one of her closest friends. Sure, they'd only met in real life a few times, but Jah was her rock before she even knew about Billie. 

Billie.

Roxie couldn't imagine what pain she must be experiencing. Actually, she could. Roxie refused to believe she was hurting most days. Instead, she worried about how everyone else was doing, though she made no effort to contact anyone. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking to pick up her phone, probably due to the lack of sleep she'd had over the past three days. She didn't expect anyone to worry, except Rachel. And of course Tristan, who'd made himself quite at home in one of Roxie's guest bedrooms to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. It wasn't until Billie was the only thing on her mind that Roxie even dared to look at her phone. 

48 missed calls from angel girl💕

23 new messages from angel girl💕

How could she have been so selfish? Of course Billie's first thought was Roxie. But all she'd thought about for the past three days was how much she couldn't cope without the life of her best friend and how everyone else must be feeling the same way, she couldn't even work up the courage to give anyone a call to make sure they were okay, even Billie. Roxie was about to swipe her finger across her phone to return one of Billie's numerous phone calls when the door bell rang. Tristan had probably ordered food. Roxie's stomach gave a lurch and she soon realised how three days without food had affected her. Maybe she'd call Billie later. Roxie knew that one of the first things Billie would ask would be whether or not she'd eaten much. 

Her legs involuntarily shifted from under her comforter and carried her to the door, making Roxie realise how unbalanced she was on her feet after not using them for days. She stumbled to the door and opened it, Tristan and Rachel obviously sleeping or something. But behind the door wasn't a delivery of food. It was her. Billie. 

Her eyes were puffy, she'd been crying recently, and her hair was a mess, and her clothes looked extremely disheveled. Roxie imagined she looked a hell of a lot worse.

"I brought burritos." Billie smiled half-heartedly, holding up a take-out bag from Chipotle.

Ignoring the hand offering food, Roxie engulfed Billie in a hug, burying her face into Billie's hair. Billie hesitated for a moment, before wrapping her arms around her. And for the first time in three days, Roxie allowed herself to cry. Sobs wracked through her entire body, and she clung onto Billie with all of her strength, never wanting to let go ever again. It hurt to cry, probably dehydration, but she didn't care. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I've been so- so selfish." Roxie managed to force out between sobs, which happened to also sound extremely hoarse and croaky because of being silent for way too long. Billie shushed her calmly, a hand running up and down Roxie's back, the other still clutching the warm bag of burritos, though neither girl felt the desire to eat anymore. 

"It's not your fault mamas. It's not anyone's fault except the guy who did this." Billie breathed, suddenly finding a much bigger purpose than to just comfort Roxie. She'd turned up at Roxie's house with the sole intention of getting her to eat, or sleep, or anything really. But it soon dawned on her just how much she was willing to do for Roxie. 

"Billie I can't live without you." Roxie said after an hour, still sniffling. Billie had lifted Roxie over to the couch where Roxie laid in her lap and continued crying. 

"I can't live without you either, Rox." Billie smiled sadly, a hand still running through Roxie's hair.

Billie was surprised by the sudden movement of Roxie sitting up to face her. It was only then that she realised the huge purple circles under Roxie's eyes, and that her hair was extremely messy, and that she had no life in her brown eyes. Her cheeks were sunken, and she had clearly lost a lot of weight. 

"You're not understanding what I'm saying, Bil." Roxie pushed, her eyebrows creasing as she held onto Billie's hand. Billie noticed that she'd missed the way their hands fit together, but her plan to make the two official was well out of the picture until both of them were much more stable. 

"I want to be with you."

Six words had never took Billie more by surprise. She looked at Roxie to continue, unable to form words. Fuck. Words. It had to have been about the only time in her entire life that she couldn't find any. Of course.

"I can't spend every day knowing we're not together when something could happen to either of us at any point. You always say that what matters is we live right now and that we have all the time in the world. But we don't. And I can't stand another day being without you. I love you Billie. Damn it I love you so much it hurts. I want to spend everyday loving you and I- just please say something so I don't look like an idiot Bil."

"I love you too." Billie let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in. "I love you."

Roxie searched Billie's eyes for confirmation, and leaned in to kiss her. 

"I was going to ask you. But I knew how much you were hurting." Billie continued as she pulled away, her hands still in Roxie's.

"Ask me what?"

"Will you be my girlfriend Roxie Anderson?"

"Yes."