TROUBLE

Chapter 44 "Guilt"

(Harry´s POV)

I opened my eyes and saw Aubri turning over in her sleep, as she was now facing me. I smiled a little, she looked so cute when she slept. I reached a hand up to move some of her hair out of her face. She slept like she was exhausted and I honestly couldn’t blame her though. Even my muscles were slightly sore.

That’s when all the guilt came flooding back. I felt bad that I was making her worried with my distant behavior. I kept trying to tell her that I was fine and nothing was going on, but obviously she didn’t believe me. She’s the kind of person that need proofs for that kind of things. It was just a race that had taken over my thoughts. That’s what I’ve been telling myself…it’s just a race. I’ve never been this stressed over a fucking race though…

And the worst part was I knew this would happen. I knew our relationship was going to be threatened by this, but I was selfish and dragged her in anyway. I knew this wasn’t going to last as long as either of us wanted to. I fucking knew from the beginning.

But I’m in too deep to cut myself away from her; I just can’t do it. I tell her all the time that I’ve never felt this way about a girl before, but I don’t think she actually understands. She didn’t know she meant so much to me, even when I was pretending to hate her. And now just to add on to that, we’ve been dating for five weeks and I feel like I can’t let her go, even though I know it’ll happen at some point. I hate myself for dragging her in and I hate myself for getting so fucking attached. 

I wonder if she is one of those girls that have to hear the word " I love you ". She hasn’t said it yet though, so maybe she’s not…maybe she can read the signs and just know that I feel that for her, without actually having to say it.

"Aubri." I barely whispered. She didn't respond so she must've been shifting in her sleep. I sighed, maybe I can just say it now…she just wasn’t conscious at the time. "Aubri, I..." Damn it. I can't even say it to her while she's sleeping...I can't even say it in my mind. It's going to ruin everything for both of us. It's going to attach us in a whole new way and it'll just tear us apart in the end, and the end was what I was running from. I don't want this to end and I don't want to lose her...

So I'm not going to say it.

"Harry." I jumped a little "I don't feel well." She's so good at changing the subject, even when we weren't talking. I reach out and rubbed her cheek with my thumb. 

"What's wrong, baby? What hurts?"

"My stomach."

"I can make you tea, if you want."

She nodded, "Can you call Jenni and tell her I can't come in?"

"Of course, where's your phone?"

"In my coat," she whispered. I kissed her in the cheek before getting out of bed, pulling on a pair of boxers..

I walked up the stairs of the basement and into the kitchen, putting the pot on then going into the living room. I picked her coat up off the floor taking her phone out of the pockets. I scrolled through her contacts looking for Jenni. It was almost funny how few contacts she had; she only talks to me and the lads, and sometimes Jenni. She had my sister and parents too. I wonder if she talks to them a lot.

She's going to be pissed at me for doing this, but I'm just curious. I went to her messages and saw the majority of them were to me. I scrolled through smiling at the stupid conversations we had while she was at work.

This is the shit I like the most. It wasn't the sex; it was that we were attracted to each other’s personalities and not just our appearances. We could talk for hours about the dumbest things and just be ourselves …