13 Reasons Why [L.S.]

Tape Nine

*Warning: This chapter contains self-harm*

"The soccer team."

Eh, I thought I was done listening to them.

"I said earlier that they would get one more tape and here it is. I don't know how you will manage to all listen to this together, but I don't even care either. As long as each and every one of you hear it.

So, besides talking trash to me, beating me up and kicking me out of the football team, I didn't think they could possibly make my life much worse, but boy was I wrong.

Public humiliation is what I'm talking about."

Oh. The worst kind of humiliation.

"One day at lunch I had collected my food along with my bottle of water. Then the whole soccer team came over to me to bother me like always. It had become a routine by then so I didn't think anything of it. One of them took my notebook from me and threw it to another one. I had a lot of secrets and deep stuff written down in that notebook so I kept it very close to my heart. That's why when the guys started throwing it around between them I got up to get it back. I looked like a fool trying to catch it as they teased me. What I didn't notice though was that this was planned so that James - another guy on the team - could sneak some weird powder into my water bottle. When they finally stopped I didn't know he had done that so I just drank the water like I would have every other day. Later I found out the powder was some drug that would make me sleep for a couple of hours."

I remember this. This was not a good day for Louis. I remember him pushing past me crying when he woke up. I felt so bad for him. When do I not feel bad for him these days.

"So, a couple of minutes later I passed out in the cafeteria just like the boys had planned. Next thing I know I woke up in the middle of the school's soccer field naked. I was tied to the goal post, and they had written words like fag, disgusting and all sorts of insults on my body with permanent black marker. Not just that, the whole entire school was looking at me. One of the guys had broken into the principle's office and told on the speaker that all students had to come to the soccer field.

So there I was. Tied up. Naked. Drugged.

I was so humiliated I couldn't get myself out of bed the next two weeks. Every person from my school - including the guy I liked - was looking at me and my penis at that moment."

His crush goes to our school. I go to our school. One step closer. Not that it really matters, I couldn't get with him now anyways. *Sigh*

"Finally some of the teachers got me loose and I just ran. I didn't care about the fact that I was still naked. I just wanted to get away. So I pushed past everyone and ran home. Luckily, no one was home when I came home so I had the house to myself. Then I did something I had promised myself I would never do.

I harmed myself."

My hand flies to my mouth at that. I knew there was I big possibility of this happening, but I really hoped it wouldn't.

"I went to the bathroom, went directly into the shower -I was already naked so that part was easy - and I peeled the razor apart. That razor blade erased the last bit of hope I had that everything would eventually be alright. Through it all I had told myself 'It's alright Louis, you'll just have to go through this a little while more and then you'll find genuine happiness again'. But I became tired of longing after that feeling. I, at last, came to turns with the fact that it would never happen. I wasn't too keen on the idea but it was reality.

So I cut my thighs, which is a bad place since there's a lot of blood circulation there but I didn't care. Then I just stood there, watching the blood run down the drain with the water that ran down my body. And that's not even the end of it."

Click.

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say at this point. I'm so filled with compassion and love for this boy that I would practically rather go through all this myself instead of him. But I can't, and that kills me. He didn't deserve this life. So why did he get it?