13 Reasons Why [L.S.]

Tape Eleven

"Louis Tomlinson. My biggest enemy of them all."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's Louis Tomlinson. So he dedicated a tape to himself to tell how much he hates himself? That's cruel, and I really don't want to hear it, but it's not like I have a choice. I'm too anxious to hear my own tape that I have to get through these last two. 

"I've first recently started to feel like this, to have this hatred towards myself. I used to be rather confident, but you know, when you constantly get picked on and bullied and discriminated it becomes a habit, a routine. At first I blocked out all the bad words like fat, ugly, gross etcetera, but as they kept coming being repeated time and time again, I started understanding them. 

I thought 'if they keep saying them to me it must mean that they really mean them, that they're telling the truth'. So, then I started viewing myself from different perspectives, seeing myself from other point of views. I started overthinking every move I made, constantly doubting my actions, opinions and myself in general. 

And then I started to get it. I understood why they said all those things to me. I realized that I was just as awful as they described me to be. It really didn't matter what anyone else would say at that point because I disgusted myself. That couldn't be changed what so ever. I was an awful human being."

What? No. That can't- how can he think of himself like that. Just because some morons with no life tells you something stupid it doesn't mean they're right. I just want to scream in every person who has every done anything mean to him's face. They tortured him. Not only physically but mentally. They messed with his brain and the way he saw himself. That's just straight up cruel. 

"I was judging myself just as much as every one else were. I was telling myself that everything I did was wrong and that I was useless. I constantly had these voices swimming around in my head saying I should just end it and kill myself. That I wasn't worth anything and no one would miss me. That it would be a relief and I would get away from the hell that was my life. I wanted to escape myself more than anything. I didn't want to be me. 

So, then I started thinking. Contemplating. Maybe the voices were right. Maybe it all would be easier if I just ended it."

I don't know why I'm sitting here hoping he changed his mind or something, because I know he's dead. There's no chance he's alive so I shouldn't get my hopes up like this. 

It's like a movie, no matter how dark things get, you know the main character is gonna be alright. They're gonna save the day and live happily ever after like always. 

Except in this case, it's the reverse. His life is gonna end badly, his story is getting a sad ending, no matter what I say or do. It can't be changed. He's already dead. 

"Then I started googling. What was the best, easiest and least messy way to kill yourself. I wanted to do it quick in a way that wouldn't hurt too much and without making a big mess for my poor mom to clean up afterwords. I planned and I planned. I wanted to go through with this, but I still had a couple of strings pulling me back to live. Some things I couldn't let go of. Those however were broken - you'll hear about that in the next tape.

I came to a conclusion of three possible ways at last; hanging myself, drowning myself or taking deadly pills. Since the pills were the only one I could actually do wherever I wanted, I chose that solution. But this tape isn't about the end itself, we'll come to that. I haven't actually killed myself as I'm recording, as you've hopefully figured, but it will happen very soon, and it has happened when you're listening to this.

So, I don't know completely who this is directed towards other than myself, but I felt like it was an important part of the story." 

Another one done. One more left and then it's mine. I can't figure out if I dread hearing it or not. I have no idea what so ever what he could possibly say on it. I haven't done anything in the world with the intention of hurting him, so that's gonna be interesting.