Without Omission

1O: Kissin' On My Tattoos

August

"I just remember always thinkin' ta' myself, "damn.. it's gettin' real"… Das when I knew I had to make some moves. I had ta' get myself outta dat position"

Ryan suggested I go see a therapist after that shit I pulled a couple weeks ago. If it was any other person, the immediate answer woulda been hell no, but after she stood in the rain to talk me down off dat bridge, I owe her my life. So this was the least I could do.

"So you went from selling drugs, to living on the streets, to being a big name in the music industry who's about to drop his first album. Why would you throw all that away?" Dr. Housley, the therapist, asked.

Sighin', I rubbed my hand over my face, "When you in a position whea you feel dat you alone and can't nobody save you.. whea you feelin' trapped into a small space and you can barely move, and da only direction leads ta' mo' bullshit.. dat's when you have dat mindset whea nothin' matters. You just don't give a fuck."

"I had so much anger, sorrow, and shit like dat built up in me. I ain't neva release dat shit until dat night. I felt like I ain't have shit ta' lose, so… why not? I acted on dat thought and ended up on a big ass bridge wit' plans to fall 135 feet.. I'll admit, I had that shit planned since the funeral, and it's a very fucked up thought.. I'm blessed ta' still be hea'."

"You're right, August, and I'm glad that you opened up about that." she nodded, "You really are blessed to be here, because if Ryan didn't care for you as much as she does, she would've never left her house that night and stopped you from jumping."

"I know…" I mumbled.

We sat in silence fa' a second. She looked like she was in deep thought as she lightly bit the tip of her pen.

"August, if you don't mind me asking, what are your feelings towards Ryan?" she asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "My feelin's towards ha'?" she nodded.

"Well I.. I just know she da motha' of my unborn child. My first child at dat. She been rockin' with me even when I did ha wrong. I tried droppin' ha' because I knew I was no good fa' ha', but she wun lettin' dat happen.. She basically my rida'. I hate ta' admit it because I'm not da type of person ta' get too attached, and it's scary dat she can have me feelin' this way in a shawt period of time, but in these few months dat I've known ha'… I can honestly say I love ha'. Wit' all my heart."

She smiled lightly as she nodded, "Does she know that you feel this way?"

"I doubt it," shakin' my head, I frowned, "I just been pushin' ha' away when she ain't done nothin' but try ta' help me."

"And even though you've been pushing her away, she continues to help you. You're problem is that you keep everything bottled up. You never express what's on your mind. It's not healthy and it's slowly killing you, August." she shook her head, "I suggest you start with telling Ryan how you feel. Expressing yourself should become a bit easier after that since your trust issues are your greatest weakness."

I nodded, "Thank you doc, I really 'preciate ya help." I said as we both stood. I gave her a friendly hug.

"I'm glad I could help." she smiled, "You really are a great person August, and I hope that one day you stop looking down on yourself and realize that. You have the potential to go any and every where, and limiting yourself because of your fears is only holding you back. Remember that."

***

"Fa' the last time August, we ain't namin' my baby Larry; get that outta ya head now." Ryan laughed, shakin' ha' head as she stirred whateva was in the pot on the stove.