My Journey away From Depression

Flashbacks

I barely slept that night. My mind was thinking about zombies. I was afraid. Afraid that whatever happened in my mind was real. Afraid that maybe the world ended indeed. Afraid that maybe it was all my fault. What's happening to me?

I tried to wake up Vhanessa who is sleeping next to me. We were just in one bed. I looked around. I saw there are two people on our right and 4 people on our right. There were a total of 4 beds occupied including ours. Maybe they are other patients too. But what's their case? Why are they here? I dont even know why im here.

The next day, Vhanessa and i talked. She told me i haven't been sleeping and eating or drinking meds for 3 days at home and my mom suddenly saw me just walking back and forth in our living room, continuously doing that from morning till evening. What? I dont even remember doing that.

***
Flashback

"Tomorrow I need to return the toga we used this graduation. But i dont think i can go to school mom", i said.

"Why? What are you feeling?"

"I dont know. I just dont think i can go to school alone. I cant do it. "

"Your father will accompany you okay?"

That night, i did not get enough sleep. I kept on searching symptoms of depression. What to do when you feel like withdrawing from everyone. What is it called when you dont feel joy or sadness anymore. Dont get me wrong, i am a cheerful and hopeful person, i am outgoing and friendly. But these past few days, i think my depression from when i was a child just came back. I suddenly felt hopeless and i wanted to distance myself from everyone. My mom decided i go back to my old psychiatrist for consultation.

The next day, i did not want to wake up. I did not have the will to get up and in the end my father was the one who went to my school to return my toga.

My mom was watching tv that day and suddenly i felt like i was the one being talked about in the television. It was an afternoon show singing contest and the judges were crying but i suddenly felt like they were crying because of me. Why was that? I also felt like one of the contestants so i sang a random song suddenly that shocked my mom.

"Why are you suddenly singing?"

I cried that time not knowing whats happening with myself. I didnt know whats wrong with me. Its like people are talking about me.

My father went home and i suddenly apologized, while crying and hugging him. I dont know whats happening to me. I cried till i fell asleep.

***
That was one of the last things i remember after graduation. And on the day of my graduation, i asked my soon-to-be-boyfriend to come with us. But days before that we were arguing because i suddenly did not want him to attend anymore. I feel like a burden to him and i felt guilty that he has to be absent at work in order to attend my graduation. But he insists that its okay, because he loves me.

Days after our arguments, i even asked him to stop courting me. My parents gave me permission to answer him once i graduate college. But all of a sudden i felt unworthy of his love, i felt like i dont deserve him anymore and im just gonna burden him with my depression. But still, he stayed. He cried begging me not to tell him to stop because he just cant imagine life without me. I cried too and i just let him do what he wants, to stay with me.

The day of my graduation, he came to our house. But i felt awkward because i dont know if my family likes him. The whole ride to the venue we were all quiet. I kept on thinking of topics to discuss with them but its like somethings stopping me from talking at all. I should be happy because he was with me but why did i feel nervous? Im even nervous about going up the stage to get the diploma. I did not know exactly why but i was completely anxious.

After graduation, my bestfriend surprised me and i cried because i didnt know she was coming. She even gave me a gift. But i felt like a burden and kept on saying sorry to her. When she asked why, i didn't even know what to answer. The whole celebration, my suitor kept on cheering me up. He said he will wait for me if im not ready to answer him yet. Its just i felt like my family doesnt like him at that time.

Those were the things i remember in the past week. I relayed those stories to Vhanessa.