My Journey away From Depression

Hallucinations

Days passed and i still felt as though someone's watching my every actions. My family went to church and suddenly i was shocked because the homily was about hallucinations and imaginations. Is it real? Or is it just coincidence that they are talking about something i just experienced? I prayed and cried thinking about the baby i felt in my tummy? Was that part of imaginations too? I cried hard and i felt all eyes on me. People were staring at me. Or was i just seeing things now?

There came a day when it rained so heavily that one might think that its the end of the world. We were watching news and its all about people dying. Its about the Philippine President about to declare martial law. About Philippines being the second worst countries in the world. Something inside me was breaking. Then suddenly all the lights and tv went out. The power was out. I prayed hard and ask for God to help us and all those affected by the calamity. My mother played some worship songs on her phone and suddenly something inside me is telling me to confess to my mother about Renz. I fought the urge to tell her that something already happened between the two of us during the almost 3 years of his courtship but in the end i failed. My mother was angry and so was my dad. They said Renz took advantage of my depression. I understand that they were angry because he was only my suitor then. But it was also my fault too because i wanted it to happen. I cried while they were lecturing me. They told me i could never see Renz again.

The power went back that night. But as we were watching tv again about the Koreanovela Go Back Couple, i found myself relating to the characters in the story. Its like something in the telenovela was telling me something about the concept of soulmates. The way the world around her almost stopped when the girl met her soulmate in the story. I realized that i felt it before too, but not with Renz. It was with a guy i met in high school who is named Richard. I suddenly got scared that maybe Renz was not the one destined to me, maybe Richard is my soulmate. And because i just couldn't accept that fact, i prayed once again to God.

"Lord please i'll do anything, just let Renz be my soulmate. I know he was the one who saved me when i was unconscious before. I've seen him in my visions. I wouldn't have been able to wake up if not for him. I know we made some mistakes but that's only because we love each other too much"

You are too stubborn, my mind says. It's like God is speaking to me through my mind.

"Please Lord, i just can't live without him. I know he's the one for me"

He really is, can't you see?

"Really God? We'll be together forever someday?"

But you have to endure many things.

"I'll do anything Lord, anything."

Then i felt a heartbeat on my shoulder, it's like someone was hugging me. But i felt that the heartbeat was getting slower and it felt like the heart was slowly getting crushed.

I will need to die.

"What? Please Jesus what do you mean you need to die? Please don't! What did i do wrong?"

And then all of a sudden thunder roared and i got really scared. Now it felt like end of the world is coming indeed. If Jesus dies, doesn't that mean its gonna be the end of the world for real? I was devastated and did not know what to do anymore so i shouted to my mom and dad.

"IT'S GONNA BE THE END OF THE WORLD!!!"

They just looked at me strangely because they are happily playing scrabble and i must have startled them. I looked at the words they formed in the game board. God, it's all related to the Bible! What the hell is happening?

"Mom, Dad, cross my heart and hope to die. It's really the end of the world."

I did not know why but i smiled bitterly. I still can't believe that the world is ending and it will be because of me, because i asked God to let Renz be my soulmate even though he's supposedly not. I covered myself in a blanket and was preparing myself for doom until i drifted into unconsciousness.