first american title | tenya iida

twenty-six

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lydia's pov

I took a drink from the water bottle in my hands, not breaking eye contact with him. As I let my hand fall to my side, he coughs. "So," he begins, hesitating to find words to speak. Across from where he sits, is another seat which I sit down at. A wave of awkward, uneasy silence is upon us. 

I stare down at the graffiti carved into the wood of the table. I can't help but scoff. "What the fuck are you doing, Tenya?" 

"I- um-"

"Seriously. What are you thinking?"

He shrugs his shoulders and finally meets my eyes, like a child in the principal's office. "I don't- I don't know."

I shake my head. "Sounds like a shit excuse. You know exactly why I left."

"Yeah, because I cheated. Which-" He says before I stop him.

"You didn't. Yeah, I know." I pause. "I'm baffled and embarrassed to even say I'd excuse you of that."

He furrows his eyebrows. "You were so confident that that was the case though."

I sigh, letting my head fall onto the table. There was a dull throb in my head that played the same beat over and over again. Maybe it was from the alcohol the night before, maybe from the hour-long show and mental breakdown I had during. Regardless, it wasn't helping with the immense guilt that had fallen on my shoulders. 

Finally bringing my head off the table, I let out a groan. "Do you want an explanation?" 

"Honestly, yes. I do."

I throw my hands in the air. "When I stepped out of the shower, I love you was written in the mirror and from the second I saw it I knew it wasn't you who wrote it. I was so in my own head, so convinced that you didn't truly love me because I was so insecure and idiotic, I jumped to the worst-case scenario. Unexplainable little things started stacking up, I lost it. I know an I'm sorry won't fix what I did. And there's more to the story. The details are all fuzzy or whatever you wanna call it but probably three weeks afterward Gray- you remember him? Yeah, he confessed he was in love with me and that he was the one to write the 'I love you in the mirror.' At that point, I was starting to realize how much of an idiot I was so-"

"Then why didn't you come back? Or text me?" 

"I'm getting there. Anyways. So I'm beginning to realize I'm an idiot. But I'm already neck deep in angry love songs, so why stop there? I started posting them on Soundcloud and eventually, a small record label picked me up. They helped me get my music out there and then suddenly another bigger label picked me up. They promised me thousands of dollars, and they kept those promises. So long as I kept selling the heartbroken, free, wild wannabe pop star who was relatable and funny and good at what she did. And I sold it well. That's why we're here. And as long as I was selling this cheating story I kept convincing myself it was real. And it wasn't. I know you, Tenya, and I know you would never."

He swallows. "That's it?"

I shake my head, solemnly looking down at the table. "In desperate search of, I don't know, a replacement, a reason to feel okay, someone to covet my appearance, I started this relationship- if you can even call it that- with Gray. He hid it away from Juvia until he felt comfortable enough to let her know he wanted this to be a thing."

"The three of you?"

I nodded. "Yeah. The three of us. I don't know- it was stupid and weird and I can't even think about that time because it was a constant compilation of crying and begging for someone to please praise me and give me the validation I desperately needed in order to feel okay. But in the end, it worked out I guess, and so it was us." I chuckle at the memory, taking another swig from my water bottle and setting it on the table. "Do you want me to sugar coat this part or give it to you honestly?"

"Honesty, please."

And so I sigh, mentally preparing myself for the story I'm going to tell. "I was so tossed aside in the relationship. It felt like I was truly only there for sex. Only for Gray's pleasure. I mean Juvia didn't even really want it to be that way. So it was this awful toxic cycle that I repeated for months until that bigger record label picked me up. I finally had an excuse to leave the relationship. Now we're here." I pause. "Listen- I know I don't deserve your respect o-or your forgiveness, and I've excepted that I won't get it. I just th-"

"I forgive you," He says, so calm and collected. 

I blink multiple times. "Huh?"

He chuckles. "I forgive you, Lydia. That doesn't make it okay, no. It just means that I understand your circumstance, I sympathize with you, and that I'm willing to put it aside."

"But-"

He puts his hand on mine gently. "No buts. I do however have a few questions for you." I nod, which causes him to cough out and say. "Do the people know your name is Lydia Iida?"

I laugh. "Fuck no. Why would they know that?"

He shrugs. "I find it interesting that you never filed for a divorce."

I can't help but roll my eyes. "And why would I?" A small smile creeps on his lips as a small giggle escapes his lips. I look down at my hands. 

After all this time you give me butterflies, butterflies. 

"Tell you what," I begin. "Here's my number. I'm going to be in San Fransisco for the next two weeks. If for someone reason you want to catch up or something, send me a text," I say, sliding a business card with my number on it to him. 

He picks it up and observes it. "Why the name Ruth Abstract?"

"I'll tell you later Tenya. I gotta go, the bus is leaving pretty soon."

And with that, I left the cramped room for the tour bus. Fans stood outside the fencing, screaming my name as I approached the vehicle. I waved, signed a few setlists, albums, posters and whatever else they had to offer. 

Inside the bus, my photographer and manager sat playing on their phones and waiting for me. "Nice of the star to finally show up," My manager Erza grumbles. I roll my eyes, which earns a scoff out of her. "You know I'm joking with you."

"You're always such a hardass."

She scruffs my hair and messes it all up. "It's out of love, you know."

The bus begins pulling out of the parking lot, leading us back to our homes or hotels for the night. I outstretch my arms as I briefly fall asleep on the couch, only to be woken up moments later. We had arrived at the hotel I was staying at. After hauling my bags all the way up my room, I immediately fell asleep, my dreams filled with images of my friends and fans I had met once upon a time. 

~*~