Crashing Love [COMPLETE/PUBLISHED]

Chapter 6: Better Off

MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I eventually made it to my bed after the tears slowly stopped to fall from my eyes. It is so hard to process the fact that this woman gets to live and my mother had to die. I can't even believe that this woman had the audacity to come and see us. Hours passed and I lay on my bed facing the ceiling and I think.

Why did my mother have to go to the store that day? Why did she have to leave the store parking lot using that exit? Why did she have to leave before we had gotten out of bed?

The answer, because that is how life is.

Why did I start to look at Elijah differently than I have my entire life? Why did I want to kiss him? Why should I start to feel this way while my mother is gone? Why do I have feelings?

Numb. That's how I should feel. The problem is, I don't. I hate feeling the way I do. I am tired of waking up every morning and remembering that my mother isn't here. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve... That's not right. I don't deserve to live.

The world would be better off if I was gone.

2 weeks later...

Ever since the incident at Thanksgiving, I haven't talked to Willow. I have gone over to her house every single day and I have knocked on her bedroom door. She just isn't answering, I know that she is coming out and eating or doing something, because dishes are taken care of and the house is kept somewhat tidy. Mom told me that she also bought groceries for them recently so there is food in the house.

I just want my best friend back.

I leave school rather quickly, leaving my group of friends confused. I hop into my car and I head right to her house. I have had a bad feeling about today and I'm not the kind of person to shake that kind of feeling away. I pull into her empty driveway, which isn't unusual. Her dad started to see a therapist and goes to a grief support group. He is trying to get himself together.

I run up to Willow's room and I knock on the door, per usual, but I don't hear anything. Usually, I hear some movement or something, but today it is nothing. I wait outside the door for a couple of minutes and then I look down the hall and I see the light shining from the bottom of the bathroom door. With Daniel gone, I have to assume that it is Willow. As I inch closer to it, I'm expecting to hear the shower running, but instead, I hear her crying.

Once I got out of the shower I wrapped a towel tightly around my body and I stare at myself in the mirror. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm just tired.

Would the world be better off without me?

That's the big question. It crosses my mind every single day.

The answer... It would be better. I would be with my mom.

I stare at the bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet and I pour out a handful. As I go to push them into my mouth, I hear a knock at the door.

"Willow?" Elijah. I slowly lower my hand. I think about what I was going to do. Could I really leave him? Would he be able to handle losing me?

"I know you're not okay, but that's okay. I could never imagine what you are going through, but I'm here for you. My family is here for you. Your family is here for you. I don't want you to do this alone. I don't know if you know this, but your dad is getting help. He wants to be there for you, so he is helping himself to help you. Please, just let me in."

I place my hand on the door and I hear it unlock. I push open the door and I see her holding a handful of pills.

Was she going to leave me? Was she going to leave her family?

I rush over to her and I push the pills from her hands and they clank against the sink. I pull her close and she cries into my shoulder. She wraps her arms around my waist and I start to stroke her hair.

"It's okay. You're okay." It only makes her cry harder. I hold her for longer and then I pick her up and carry her to her room. I grab some clothes, which just happened to be mine, and I hand them to her. I turn around to let her change. I hear her towel drop.

"You can turn around," she whispers. I turn around and I see the baggy clothes on her body. She is so beautiful. I don't know what I would do if she had gone through with what she was going to do. I don't know what I would do with her.

Would I shut myself out like Daniel did when he lost the woman he loved most?

Would I leave this world to join her?

I never thought that she would get to this low of a point in her life that she would resort to suicide as the answer. 1.4 million people attempt suicide on average every year. I never thought that Willow would be one of those people. 1.4 million. A possible 1.4 million families that could have been destroyed. 

"If I hadn't shown up, would you have gone through with it?" I blurt out. She shrugs and crawls into her bed. She turns so she is facing away from me.

"Willow," I say.

"I don't want to talk." I crawl into bed next to her and I pull on her to turn her towards me. She has tears streaming down her face and I pull her into my chest.

One day, things will get better.

For now, I'm just going to be here.

The world isn't better off without her.

I'm not better off without her.