The Dark Lord's Playbook of Nefarious Misdeeds

Outcasts and Rebels

Previously.....

I would not cry. Despite my inner protestations, my chin still wobbled, and my eyes stung with unshed tears. He looked worried, and I don't remember him looking worried- concerned but not worried. He cupped my face in his hands as the first tear fell. I drew in a shaky breath, that was more like a strangled sob and whispered,

"I killed him".

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I would have thought the look of surprise on his face would have been funny if I wasn't in such an emotional upheaval.

"I killed him, Tom", I wrapped my hands in the material of his shirt and buried my face it in. It was like the dam just crumbled, and I had gotten myself so worked up that I couldn't stop myself from crying. The guilt, the horror of doing something like that- marking my soul was nearly unfathomable. Everything we had been told about murder and how it damaged you were scrolling through my brain rapidly.

"Hermione...dear", he pushed me back gently so he could view my face. I was reluctant to release his shirt from my white-knuckled grip.

I wiped my cheeks; they were stinging from the saltiness of my tears and sniffled. I'm sure I looked a hot mess, and then I caught sight of Toms shirt. There was a large wet patch right in the centre of it. He wasn't wearing period clothing- he was in his pyjama's.

"Sorry", I mumbled out, avoiding eye contact. I was silly at suddenly being embarrassed for having yet another breakdown.

"Hermione look at me", my eyes made a slow journey from the wet patch to meet his eyes. "It will dry", he made a show of waving his hand the patch disappeared. I scowled momentarily annoyed that while he could use some magic, I still couldn't access mine.

"What is bothering you? Really bothering you about it?", he moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and I sat down next to him.

"I killed him, Tom, what's not to be bothered by that? I'm not you, all cold and heartless. I can't just end people for the sake of it- like it's a sport", I knew I was taking a small amount of my frustration out on Tom- which wasn't fair, but he kills people without much thought.

"I'm not saying that you shouldn't be bothered by it, Hermione. That wasn't what I was asking. Think", I scrunched my face up- which was not a good look on anyone. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to wallow in self-pity.

I sniffled again and looked down at my hands, twisting them in my lap. Killing him did bother me, It's not something that I thought would ever happen. During the war, I knew there was a small chance- and I was ok with that. Kill or be killed as Tom had said weeks ago. Part of me didn't care that I killed that man for hurting the girl, and lord knows how many other children were at his mercy. Would it change my soul? My magic? I was more scared for myself than anything, and that's what horrified me. What would everyone back home think? The light side always stressed the 'no killing' rule, that we didn't want to lower ourselves to the levels of our darker brethren.

"That murder...it is the ultimate act of evil. I took a human life whether it was intentional or not. How does that affect me? My soul? My magic?" I looked to him with pleading eyes, hoping he would show a sliver of decency to my existential struggle.

"Murder in some cases is evil, but in generalising that 'murder is the ultimate evil' with broad strokes. Do we then condemn ourselves for eating every time we kill a chicken or a cow? Does a predator commit an act of evil when it stalks and kills an innocent antelope to survive? Do you tell a woman who has been abused by her husband regularly who then kills him in self-defence that she is evil? I think it is all psychological upon reflection our self-imposed moral code. It is not black and white as Dumbledore or anyone on the 'light side' seems intent on preaching. Do I think you are tainted? No. Do I think your soul is torn? No. Do I think you are evil? No. You were just in an awkward position, and it was an accident no one can blame you for that. They should stamp at the bottom in that tiny font - conditions apply. It is not a one size fits all rule."