We're Way Too Different

Episode 1

It's been nearly a month, marching up to two months since Jimin ended his previous relationship with Yoongi. And even though he seems to be happy in his current... wait... more like old one, he can't shake Yoongi out of his head. It's driving him mad. 

Anything that Hye Na does, whether it's making snarky yet playful remarks, reminds him of how Yoongi use to be sarcastic with him in a joking way. Or waking up to find her staring at him, and smiling at him, reminded him of how Yoongi used to do the same. He misses him, physically and mentally. 

He and Yoongi used to have sex with each other, nearly every other day or twice a week, now, he won't even let Hye Na kiss him long enough to go there. He won't admit, but in the darkest and most private parts of his mind, he knows why he keeps his distance with her. He doesn't want to replace those feelings. The feelings of Yoongi's lips on his neck marking him, his hands roaming up and down his sides. Him bitting down on his bottom lips. He doesn't want them gone. 

And he's also scared to rid himself of the memories; spending late nights with him, the feeling of his fingers combing the older's hair, being carried by him, going to the coffee shop together once in a while. The birthday memories. He feels as if he's replacing him, his touch and everything about Yoongi if he goes through with doing anything sexual or graphic, or memorable with Hye Na.

I mean he still has that old picture of him and Yoongi as his wallpaper. He hasn't changed it... won't change it... refuse to change it. He still wears the necklace with his name on it that Yoongi got him for his birthday. 

Everything; from certain clothes he owns to him sleeping, the food he eats, down to when he showers, reminds him of his ex. The duffle bag he always used to take to Yoongi's at the beginning of their relationship, is tucked away out of sight. Too many memories. Even the petty fights and the big fights they had, makes him smile now when he thinks about them. When he thinks about him. 

Yet, even with all those reminders, those memories, even with every cell in his body, every follicle of hair on him is screaming at him to go back to Yoongi, he still tells himself... "Yoongi isn't enough, Hye Na has one thing he doesn't.''

~~

Meanwhile, Yoongi isn't happy. He's crushed, devastated, depressed, and anxiety ruined. He sleeps late to not at all. Doesn't leave the house, works at home. Orders food daily, wallows in bed, in the dark daily. NamJoon, who isn't so close with him have come by to see him, but he only rejects the company. 

His daily life is consistent as well as the new cuts he marks himself with every time he showers. Every day he looks at himself in the mirror, and realize that he lost the one thing that stood him up on his two feet. The one person who made him want to get rid of these scars. The one person he let in and see all the ins and outs of him. And now, that's the one thing that's ruining him. 

He's given up. He doesn't bother with finding love; if he even knows the meaning of the word anymore. No, he wasn't in love with Jimin just yet, but he was close. Oh, so close. Spending a year with someone can make you realize how much they mean to you, and when they're gone, they can become your end game. 

Unknowingly like Jimin, he is terrified to lose those memories. The touch, the emotions, the sex, the fights, the fun times... He doesn't want to lose them. He doesn't want everything that makes him so attracted to Jimin gone, then he might as well be gone too.

He would do anything to get Jimin back. Anything... but if it comes at the price of him possibly losing him again, and having to feel this kind of pain again, then IT IS NOT worth it. Jimin means everything to him, Jimin meant everything to him, and now he's just a bad memory. A memory who is slowly drowning him in his own sadness, his own emotions, his own blood which fills his lungs, and makes it hard to breathe every time he thinks about another person touching him.

Every time he thinks of someone else, kissing him, sleeping with him, waking up next to him... having the chance to spend the rest of their lives with him... That one kills him the most. It triggers him the most, and every time it does so, his fist goes flying into the wall, breaking his knuckles, and painting them with blood.

Every time it does so, he breaks a coffee table over and over. He punches a hole through the bathroom mirror, shattering it, sending pieces flying stuck in his already open wounds. Every time it does so, he shatters another phone screen, with the wallpaper picture of the two, flickering from the broken LCD. 

Every time the words ''He left because of you, he left because you were never enough for him!'' are screamed on repeat in his head, he hates himself more. He becomes a little angrier at himself. And those words are usually followed by questions that have no answer... at least he doesn't know the answer to them. ''Why did you let him leave?! Can you make him come back? is he coming back? Do you think he feels as sad and as miserable as you do now? Huh, do you?!''

Although, the self-hating never stops; ''You let the best thing that ever happened to you leave! You are PATHETIC MIN YOONGI!'' His own mind screams at him. He stares at himself in the mirror every day and wonders the exact same thing, and almost every day, he wonders it, he thinks the same thing about himself. ''I'm pathetic.''

Yet, even with all those reminders, those memories, even with every cell in his body, every follicle of hair on him is screaming at him that he isn't at fault, that he still has a chance with Jimin, that he should go and get him back, he still tells himself... ''I'll never be enough for him, Hye Na has one thing I'll never have.''