cheated on | JENSOO

14【TEARS】

[Jisoo PoV]

The grip Jennie held on my wrist tightened as I looked into her eyes and found the pleading look they held within. I swallowed a lump in my throat that was larger than any I had been swallowing throughout the entire day.

Emotions were roaring inside of me, torturing me with multiple questions aimed only at myself.

Should I be ashamed of myself for being relieved that she came back to me, after having walked out on me last night? Should I hate myself for inwardly shivering at the warmth her hand was giving my wrist and how it spread throughout my entire body? Should I condemn myself for loving the gaze in her eyes, that showed each of her feelings to me as if she was an open book? That showed me that she still loved and cared for me, so much more than she cared for herself?

Should I disown myself for wishing, so desperately, that my wrist wasn't the only thing she was holding, but my entire being, lost in the secure warmth of her arms? For wishing that my lips were on her, everything was okay, things will work out between us, and we should just forget about this; move past everything?

As these countless thoughts floated around in my head, I couldn't think straight. My mind was criss crossed as were my eyes, and I couldn't see straight. Before I could even understand what was happening, my mouth opened so very slightly.

"Jen. . ." I croaked, my voice awfully shaky and filled with such heartache.

Her name, the nickname that fit so wonderfully within my existence, just absentmindedly slipped off my tongue. It's been stuck in my mind ever since I woke up and I've been longing to speak it for a long time now, yet I didn't wish for her to speak back. My internal thoughts are laced with her voice, her face, her name, our memories -- and with her name finally spoken and out of my system, I hope to let just that piece of him go.

One by one I'll let pieces of her escape me, until she's truly gone from my memories. I need to end my suffering.

Jennie blinked hard upon hearing me utter her name, "Chu, I. . ." Her voice cracked and faded away, leaving me to stare at the features that riddled her face.

Her eyes were incredibly bloodshot and puffy, so much like mine that itched and ached, feeling as if they were being bled while salt was added to the wound. Her hair was obvioiusly uncombed as it was totally disheveled, she wore no real clothing, as she was in her pajama bottoms and a black wife beater.

I almost felt an immense pity for her; this was certainly not the look of an actor. My eyes teared up as I thought of what she had reduced himself to so quickly because of me.
Suddenly, I became very well aware of the fact that my wrist was literally radiating warmth, still warm although my body felt numb on the inside. I let my eyes travel down to said wrist, and sure enough, Jennie's hand was still wrapped firmly around it, though I could feel her fingers shaking in just the slightest of movement.

I shot my eyes up to meet her once more and my heart constricted upon seeing the earnest expression on her face -- the desperate eyes that seeked even the smallest slither of forgiveness, the self loathing, the guilt, the sadness, the greatest being love; everything that I didn't want to see at the moment. Without allowing my eyes to leave her, I wrenched myself away from her grasp and took two steps back.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled at her, glaring as strongly as I could.

But once again, she made me feel weak with just one look into her eyes. Her expressions had changed from desperate to need, from sad to hurt, from self loathing to immense self-revulsion. But never once had her eyes changed from love to hate.

Those eyes harbored all the love in the world.
And I instantly hated myself more than I could ever hate her. I could've screamed in frustration had I not wanted to break down in front of her. I wanted to rip my hair out and kick myself in the stomach. I wanted to throw myself into the gutter and hope to be dragged away into the sewers and never return.