My Confused Heart ♡

Curiosity Over Rationality

  Dinner was gulped down quickly and everyone was too busy with their own worries to notice how lost in my thoughts I was.

Shaista was repeating her notes in between her bites. Nadir was telling dad all about his latest business deal. Mom was trying to keep up with Nadir's business terms and was making sure Shaista doesn't choke on her food, with all the talking she was doing at the same time!

  I kept wondering about this Hamza!  Sounds Arab.  Arabs are normally hot neh?! And he sure seems pious: kept apologizing about writing... wrote his salaam (greetings) in full...ended with fee amaanillaah like a pro. What should I do? Should I reply him?

  I dusted my bed thrice like normal, plugged my phone and changed in my pjs. I felt like a robot living routine as my brain and mind did the living. It felt like a machine up there: throwing questions after questions. Sending the questions in a circuit to the heart in the south. And waiting for replies.

   Religion keeps coming up! I think Allaah wanted to save me from making a big mistake with Ziyaad, that's why Allaah sent Hamza. But then, I have no clue about his age, about his character, about ...anything about him actually.

  I lied in bed and did what any normal 21 years old would do: making a comparison chart. It sounded dumb cuz I knew nothing about Hamza. Deep down I knew it's my love for Ziyaad that made me do the chart.

  Yet I ended up seeing that Hamza was mature enough to have contacted me in a very decent manner plus. And he really seems like the kinda guy who prayed his 5 times as the masjid. And if he was Arab,  ...I started picturing this tall guy with black hair and a black beard. With this amazing Arab attire..long thawb. To such an extent I was lost in my thoughts that I could smell Ood (it's a famous Arab perfume). Whereas Ziyaad would go for prayer when he cans. But wasn't firm on it. I've heard his Qur'aan (the Muslim Holy Book), he could barely connect his letters. He attends Islamic programs here and there, and always listens to my encouragements but I'm sure if Hamza really is Arab then he would be reading beautifully. And must be attending Islamic conferences and programs.

  A beautiful sleep took over my dreamy thoughts. And I again saw myself at the golden wedding hall. Nice arabic nasheed (Islamic songs) played softly in the background. I saw Shaista clearer than last time and her burgundy dress was exquisite. I looked down the very window of last time and this time with Nadir was Ziyaad.  He looked hot in his suit and tie but it didn't feel right that he was dressed like this. I would have preferred him in a thawb.

  I saw my dad approaching them and with dad was a handsome mature guy in a black thawb. With his 'imaamah, he looked perfect! But my heart squeezed at the thought of my groom not being Ziyaad. My love for him was too intense. I wanted the guy with my dad to encourage Ziyaad in becoming like him!

  I woke up with my head very dizzy. I held on to my bed and focused in the dark at my alarm clock: 2:33 it read. Still early! What a weird dream.

  I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I decided I'll offer two rakaah of tahajjud (a special night prayer to ask Allaah for help) and I made lots of du'a that Allaah grants me a perfect spouse.

Ya Allaah only You know what's best for me...who's best for me...please show me my spouse, someone You are pleased with...someone who obeys you...someone who prays his five times and has a beard...and has good character....

  I have no idea when I fell asleep on the musalla. I woke up to my alarm for fajr. And after breakfast, I decided I'll reply Hamza.

I sat cross legged on my bed and turned on my laptop. Couple of beeps...I'll check them out after replying.  Let's find out about Mr. Rassi first!

"Wa alaykumusaalaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

I am flattered. Indeed I am done my studies and I am looking into getting married.

  I appreciate you keeping the fact that you have emailed me between us.

  You can ask anyone for Mr. Ihsaan Kareem at the masjid for any of the salaah. I do have to inform you that I have criterias for my partner.

  Hope to hear from you soon InshaaAllaah .

Fee amaanillaah. "

I reread my email couple of times and fixed it up many times and still I felt may be it was too much info. Khayr InshaaAllaah,  I closed my eyes and clicked SEND.

  I shook my head in hope to wipe out my thoughts about Hamza. I checked my notifications. There was a reminder for some papers I had to sign and sort out for Seeker's Garden which were due this Friday. 

  I answered couple of comments of Facebook. And had couple of giggles. Then I signed in my hotmail to see if there's anything important.  As I waited, I started wondering what I would wear tonight to go by Ziyaad. Just his name in my head made butterflies flutter in my stomach. I don't know why I feel so giddy at the thoughts of him.

  My thoughts got interrupted by a beep beep, from my Hotmail messenger. Hamza Rassi has sent you a friend request. Accept? Deny?

  Hunh? What? Why would he add me?! He sounded so pious?

  The little devil didn't lose a beat and my curiosity grew. On messenger I can find out his age. I want to know what he works as... may be I'll get to see his pic on his profile....

My heart stood firm on it's wrong. Shazia, you will lose yourself if you head down that road. Wait till he comes to your dad, then you'll meet him and you can ask all your questions. 

 

  I was at a lost...so confused. I badly wanted to see a reply. To know he got my e-mail. By accepting him on messenger, I would know. What if he gets the wrong impression cuz I denied him on Messenger?!

No Shazia!!! You have more self worth than this. Just wait till he replies.

  I decided I will not accept nor deny.

I got on with my day. Curiosity knocked my door many times. I badly wanted to message him and ask him sooooooo many questions. Where does he live? Is he close to Seeker's Garden?  How was his day today? What kinda work does he do? Does he have a day job or night one?

  On my way to Seeker's Garden, I kept glancing around. Half hoping I will see a handsome Arab. I would laugh at this thought as I had no confirmation he was an Arab or not. And half hoping he wouldn't be there, I didn't want him seeing me again. Its kinda unfair he gets to see me whereas I don't know who to even look for.

   My way back was very different. My thoughts were preoccupied with the dinner tonight. I got home, showered and dressed quickly. I felt in the mood for red...so I wrapped the red hijaab around my head and took one of my favorite pins: the dangling heart one Sum made for me. I checked that my mascara and eyeliner was right...made my lips in a pout after I applied my lip gloss and head out the door with mom.

  As I neared their house, I saw couple of guys by the back door outside. Without fail, I picked up which one was Ziyaad. He was barely audible but I could make out couple of words: " Yeah...Shazia....dinner..." one of his friends laughed at something else he said and the others all chuckled. I strained my ears to hear more: "Celeste ...jealous..."