Hurt (Kellic) ON HOLD

Pleading

you made me hate my reflection, question every choice i make

(Kellin's POV)

It's the weekend and I want to disappear.

I don't understand why people have to feel pain. I know I'm a horrible person and all I do is cause people trouble and worries, but why can't everyone just have it easy. Why isn't life simple, why can't people have a fucking break.

I'm lying in bed, covers wrapped tightly around me, I have no idea what time it is but I also have no intentions of getting up to check. If I get up and my mom is home she's going to force me to wear a dress or something, and I'd honestly rather literally anything else.

My eyes are tightly shut, hands shaking from how tightly they are gripping the blankets around my frame. It's as if I'm trying to convince myself I'm anywhere other than here, like I'm not real and this is all a sick twisted dream. I'm going to wake up and everything will be perfect and I'll laugh about how dumb of a dream this was.

It feels like I've been in this position for hours when my phone starts buzzing. I bite my lip and count down from 3, bracing myself for whatever the world wants to throw at me today.

When I open them and look at my phone, I'm glad to see it's a text from Vic. I don't even look at it before getting up to look out my window to see if my parents are here.

Their cars aren't in the driveway and I feel a wave of relief go through my body and muscles relax that I didn't even know were tensed. I don't know why my mom suddenly was making an appearance in my life as for my whole life she hasn't really cared, but I was glad to see they weren't home.

Maybe I should feel more bad about the deep resentment I held for my parents, being such an ungrateful child. I really am a disappointment, I get subpar grades at best, I have virtually no friends, and the one I do have is only my friend because he pities me, and I'm a disgusting tranny. No wonder they hate me, I don't even like myself.

I feel tears start to form as I sit back on my bed, frustrated and angry at myself. I'm such a fuck up and disgrace, no one loves me, I'm a waste of space.

I find myself pressing against a bruise on my ribs, sighing at the relief I feel, as well as the pain that floods my system. It's a sick feeling, but I do it again, and again, fingers pushing harder and harder, I gasp out after a while, the pain getting too much to handle.

I feel shame flood my system, but I ignore it and squeeze my nails into the palm of my hands, savouring the way it feels, and how it's all I can focus on.

There is nothing else in that moment, just a dull ache that floods through my body.

My moment of peace is interrupted by another buzz from my phone, I sigh and look at it.

'Hey Kellin, I hope your day started better than yesterday'
'Also do you want to hang out today?'

I smile at the messages, but deep down I feel bad.

He's wasting all this time worrying about me and what do I do for him? Nothing. He shouldn't want to hang out with someone like me.

He must have seen I had read his messages and not responded because another message came through, a singular question mark.