Hurt (Kellic) ON HOLD

Hesitant

do you touch me like i might shatter under your fingers?

(Kellin's POV)

The sad thing about life was that no matter what shitty thing happens, you still have to wake up, and go around as if nothing has happened.

It's so hard, to be beaten down and feel utterly horrible and know that you need to still live, you can't hide from the world.

I'm in class when I'm called down to the guidance councillor again, I pale thinking about what happened last time, and with a shakey breath I stand up and head down to the office.

I don't look at Vic, I'm sure he looks at me though. I don't want to see his face, feeling bad for me, or even worse, him disgusted by me.

"You don't have anything to worry about." She says smiling, placing a hand on my shoulder that's takes everything in me not to flinch away. "We will deal with this."

I nod, and say nothing. I find myself walking out of the office, then back in class, brain on autopilot. It's lunch time now, and I find myself blinking, confused and trying to recall doing anything from between the office and now.

Vic is talking about something, mouth moving but words falling on deaf ears. I open my mouth to speak, feeling as if I've shot back into reality, everything rippling into motion.

"What?" I ask, taking in a sharp breath, suddenly hearing the chatter of the cafeteria, everything now in focus and I suddenly am aware of my movements again.

"Are you okay Kellin?" He asks, face contorted in concern. "You've been out of it all day."

"Yeah I don't really remember anything after I went to the guidance councillor."

He laughs at my words, smiling at me. I don't laugh, nor do I smile. His face falls into a frown, his face suddenly much more grave.

"You're joking right?" He asks, trying to set his hand on mine, only to frown deeper when I snatch my hand back.

"No."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know, I just kinda lost control, it's like my body went on auto-pilot and I wasn't controlling my actions." I answer, playing with my fingers, looking anywhere other than at Vic.

His face is now set in a frown, contrasting to the happy smile he had moments before.

A soft hand finds my arm and I retract, body convulsing so hard I almost fall off of my seat.

"Sorry." He whispers, pulling his hand back from where it was pushed off my arm.

I nod, gulping in air, feeling stupid. I don't even know what I'm doing when I reach out for him again and grab for his hand.

His eyes meet mine in bewilderment as I entangle our fingers, ignoring the heaviness of my chest, I smile at him.

"Your hands are soft." He mumbles, running his fingers over the back of my hand, and I feel like throwing up.

His fingers dance carefully over my skin but all I can feel is danger. Someone has shot adrenaline into my system and there is no way out. My jaw is clenched, my body rigid to avoid becoming a shaking mess in his hands.

Why is he so careful? His fingers place feather-light touches on me and yet they feel like bugs, crawling and corroding my skin.

People don't touch me like this.

His touch is too soft, something must happen soon.

He notices my silence and lets go of my hand. The crawling feeling remains.

"Are you okay?"

I freeze, a question. He probably thinks I'm a freak, can't even handle someone holding my hand.

"Yes," I lie, trying to smile despite my teeth chattering out of nerves. I'm sure my lips quiver slightly as I speak. "I just blanked for a second."

"That's okay." He says, and smiles, and oh god how I wish to smile like that. Smile like I'm free, smile like everything's okay, smile like I'm happy.

I'm shaken from my thoughts with a soft whisper, words spoken unsurely, and so quiet I'm not sure they exist. But I know they do, these words are for me.

"Can I hold your hand again?"

I nod, because what else could I do? He smiles, and grabs my hand between his.

His fingers trace patterns into my skin, and although the bugs crawl up my arms butterflies land in my chest.

I feel light in my chest and I laugh, shoulders feeling the lightest they have in forever.  He looks at me strangely, but he laughs too. A breathy noice coming from him that makes me feel funny.

My brain is still dizzy from this feeling later in the day when he asks to walk home with me. It's weird because he asks, like really asks. I know if I said no he wouldn't make me do anything, he's asking because he cares about my answer.

I'm so dizzy from this feeling when he grips my hand in his as we walk I don't say anything. What is there to say? We are just to bros being bros and sure he held my hand, but that doesn't mean anything. He said himself that I don't need to feel bad about doing things now that Daniels not around.

I don't even notice I'm shaking until the feeling of his hand holding mine disappears. I look up, taking in our surroundings to see we are just standing on a sidewalk and that I'm shaking violently.

"I'm sorry." I say, taking a step back and wringing my hands in front of my chest. "I thought I could hold your hand. It doesn't feel good."

I wait, eyes trained on the ground for him to do something, say something, awaiting an oncoming blow.

"That's cool, you don't have to push yourself, you could have said so earlier." He says as if it's the most simple thing in the world before continuing walking. Leaving me behind him.

I stumble to catch up, confused but not questioning. Wondering how he knew just what to say to make me feel better.