Love Found In the Contract

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE 🦋

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I pace back and forth in the small carpeted office. I have never seen the need to come to an office like this but I'm desperate. There are way too many thoughts in my head to concentrate on anything. I hate this feeling of confusion and helplessness.  Walking towards the window I look down at those walking in and out of the building. I wonder if they all come here for the same reasons as me, confusion and desperation.

At the sound of the door clicking closed, I turn towards the door forcing a smile on my face

"Mr. Tuan, why don't you have a seat?"

Nodding I sit on the light blue couch and look at her

"Mr. Tuan, would you mind telling me what brings you here today?"

Looking down at my feet I take a deep breath and look back at her,

"I am going insane."

"What makes you think that you are going insane, Mr. Tuan?"

"You can call me Mark. And well... I...I got married not so long ago to a man. A man that well was the one I gave my virginity when I was a teenager. He is a great man, so kind, caring. just perfect. He knows how to cook, he makes delicious food, and he works hard. Although his family is rich he makes his own money and doesn't depend on his family's money. But although he is so perfect I just can't stay by his side. I am not good for him. I am ashamed to be married to a man because people are always looking at us wherever we go. I feel that I will not be getting those looks if I was married to a woman. But the biggest reason why I should let him go is that I cannot give him the family he deserves. I cannot have children with him because I'm afraid to make them suffer just like my parents make me feel. I cannot be the loving husband that he deserved because the stares of people make me feel ashamed to be in a romantic relationship with a man. But despite knowing that I am not the right man for him I don't want him to be with anyone else. I don't want to see him with someone else, I don't want him to kiss and be with someone else. I'm a selfish bastard that cannot let him go despite knowing that I'm not good for him."

"Imagining with someone else, what does that make you feel," she asks as she writes something on her notebook 

"Anger. I hate seeing him with another man. I hate it when a man looks at him. I hate when he is talking to another man. I hate it so much. seeing it makes my heart each. It feels as if it is being ripped into tiny pieces. It's a feeling that I would never want anyone to experience"

"Mark, you have mentioned what you think Jinyoung wants but have you actually asked him what he wants?"

 "I have asked him. I have asked him at least five times since we agreed to make an effort to have a friendship. The first time I asked him he told me that he wanted a family. He mentioned how he wanted to adopt five children. He mentioned how he wanted to see his husband teaching his kids to play sports and whatever is it that his children want to learn. The second time he mentioned how he wanted to come home to his family and eat dinner with them. The third time I asked he said that that he wanted to quit his job and become a writer and live a peaceful life with his family. The fourth time he mentioned how he wanted to come home and cook along with his husband. The fifth time he mentioned how he wanted to go on a walk hand in hand with his husband. "

"And how did those answers made you feel?"

"It destroyed me, " grabbing one of the tissues I wiped my tears away, "I felt like he ripped every limb one by one. It hurt so much because that is exactly what I want. I want everything that he mentioned. I want it all but I can't. I can't. I will end up hurting him. I am damaged goods. I don't know how to love correctly. I don't know how to not care about the opinions of others."

"Why do the opinions of others play such an important role in your life, Mark?"

"Because they are the people that make us successful. I work for a company that depends on public opinion, if they are unhappy they will not spend their money on us. Without their support, we will go bankrupt."

"How does that make you feel? having the pressure of pleasing the people?"

"It's hard. I would probably be happier without all that pressure but what can I do since its the job that I chose. I chose to be there and with it all the consequences.  Sometimes I want to just have a normal life and be and do whatever I want. But I can't. The company needs me. No one else can take care of it as I can."

"Mark, what makes you happy? what brings you joy?"

"Honestly I was never happy. I didn't know what being happy meant. But ever since I have him in my life I am happy. I'm happy when he falls at sleep when we watch a show. I am happy at the little things. Like his laugh. I'm happy when I make him laugh. I am overjoyed when he laughs and leans on me. It brings me joy when his hand brushes against mine. I smile and laugh when he laughs.  At times when we are doing something or just taking a walk, I sometimes forget that I have an image to maintain. I forget about all of it and just focus on having a great time with him"

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like it will be worth it to leave everything behind I feel as if he is all I will need to feel fulfilled. But despite what I feel I need to look out for him. I know that I need time to change and develop the courage needed to pursue my happiness and I just can't do that to him. I can't make him wait and see if I can choose to be happy. It will not be fair to him. I need to let him go so he can find the right person for him. The person that will do all those beautiful things with him. The one that will show him love no matter the place they are in. I know that he will find that person and even though it will break me I will be happy for him. I need to be happy for him."

"Mark, you seem like you have made up your mind, why is it that you need me?"

"I will ask for a divorce. But first I'll be a jerk and take him on a holiday and spend some quality time with him regardless of the watching eyes. I will tell him that I love him and that is why I'm letting him go. That he will always have a supporting friend in me. I will hold him if he lets me, and then set him free. I know that seeing him go will destroy me and I need you, an unbiased person to be there to listen and help me realize that I did what was right. That letting him go was the right decision to make"

"Mark---"

"I just love him so much. I love him and I rather not have him in my arms as long as he has the opportunity to be happy. "

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Thank you so much for reading  

We are in the final chapters of this fanfiction. 

When I first starting to write this story I thought that it will be a short and sweet one but as the chapters developed it became longer and less sweet. I hope that you have enjoyed the story so far. The next final chapters will be filled with so much drama, tears, and laughs. 

thanks, 

have a nice day/ night