You Found Me

Eleven

11

      There's a certain point in our lives when different emotions rush to us all at the same time. As if every truth has been air-dropped right in your face, exploding all at once.  That's why sometimes, there's a tendency that we get caught in a feeling of mixed emotions. 

       But is it possible that one emotion could overpower another even if you feel it at the same exact time?

       I've been wondering about it ever since he told me everything.

       I feel like I'm hovering above air because of this rush. Once again, I feel like I lost consciousness, like I've been induced into a deep sleep.

       I was occupied by his presence. I enjoyed the euphoria of our moments. I'm addicted to the feeling of our short ecstasy and now I'm having a hard time during my withdrawal.

      I still can't believe this turn of events.

These letters are from my Mom. She wants me to find the clues. She wants to tell me something she couldnt tell when she was still alive.

     I wait for the happiness to come now that I know it's from her.

       I waited. I really did. 

       But instead of having the excitement, even just the bliss, all I felt was the jitters of the nightmares.

       Knowing the truth now made me look back. It makes me angry. It shouldn't be this hard if I haven't met him. If I didn't know he has cancer. 

      "I've been cancer free for almost eight months.”

       I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block my mind from repeating what he said.

      “But it came back, Elle, much worse, and now it's haunting me all over again. ”

       Despite all my efforts, it keeps coming back.  It's more than a ringing in my ears.  It's a painful cry.

        Fuck cancer.

        Why is life so unfair?

        Now I know, now I know why he immediately understood me when I can't keep on reading the book.  He knew all along that cancer is a sensitive subject to me. That's why he didn't push for it.

       I'm afraid to go all over those feelings again. The pain, the torment they're all back. All at once.

       I'm actually wishing that Mom never sent me this in the beginning.

       I'm starting to question, what if she didn't. What if I didn't meet him? Would it change a thing?

       But that only makes me feel bad and hate myself even more, because deep inside I know no matter how much it hurt, I didn't regret a single thing.

       Everything, good and bad that happened leads me to Hapon. He made me feel different things that I never even knew was possible.

       And that is something worth this pain.

       I'm staring at my window, looking at this big, old tree. It's only now that I realize how I rarely climb up on it when I go home.

       The grass are still as a green as before Mom was alive. I have to give Lucy the credits for maintaining it.

       The view of it makes me sad. I remember my memories that revolve around it.  I haven't actually realized that this tree have been with me through thick and thin.