Looking For Space // Josh Kiszka

IV

The kiss kept replaying over and over in my mind all weekend, taunting me. I could still feel Josh's hand wrapped around my wrist, the slight pressure of his fingers right over my pulse, and the tenderness of his lips on mine, light as two rose petals. With it playing in my mind I decided I should avoid him as much as I could.

After Steve let us out of class the following Monday I bolted, swinging my backpack over my shoulder and merely waving goodbye to Bev, who raised an eyebrow at me. But as I made my way down the hall I heard Josh's distinct voice behind me.

"Hey, wait," he said and I turned. "When are we gonna work on the poem?"

"I'm kind of busy today," I lied. "Just email me what else you've done and we'll go from there."

Josh pursed his lips in a scowl. "That's not gonna work."

"Well, it'll have to," I pressed, haste evident in my tone. "I don't have time today."

"I know for a fact you don't have a class right now," Josh retorted.

I turned again to face him, taken aback by his boldness. "Oh?"

He started to walk, moving past me, looking over his shoulder when he was a few feet away and I, with a self-loathing sigh, reluctantly followed. He led me over the bridge and down the stairs to the eastern courtyard, ducking underneath and behind the staircase.

"Did I upset you the other night?" Josh asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

"No, Josh, it's not--" I paused, bringing my hand to my forehead, closing my eyes. "I don't know."

"What don't you know?"

I felt overwhelmed and I wanted to cry, though I still wasn't entirely sure what about, but I knew that being under the bridge and hidden by the stairs was only making me feel even more trapped.

"Is this all a joke?" I asked, lowering my hand. "I know you're like, a class clown or whatever but if this is all just one big joke, I'll fucking--"

Josh grabbed my face and pulled me down, his lips crashing into mine, far less gentle than the last time. I let it happen for a couple seconds, taking in the softness of his skin, before I put my hand against his chest and pushed him back.

"Does that answer your question?" he asked.

I wiped the leftover dampness of Josh's saliva on my lips with the back of my hand. "You could try asking to kiss someone."

"Good advice." Josh's face softened then. "So did I upset you?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so."

"Are you really too busy to work on the poem now?"

I nodded, lying again.

Josh sighed. "Okay, well then, I guess I'll email you." He reached out and stroked my hand with his fingers. "See you later."

When he walked away I turned around, pressing my back against the side of the stairs, further removing myself from the courtyard. When I lifted my arm, my hand was shaking. I dropped it to my side and exhaled. Maybe it wasn't a joke but it still felt like one--Josh being fascinated by me? What the hell did that even mean? I was still so thrown by my own discombobulated feelings to even try and dig into that further.

What upset me more was I was allowing myself to become distracted; worse than that, I was allowing myself to avoid my own responsibilities, excused by my messed up feelings and the thought of Josh's mouth on mine again. I had to just suck it up and buck up. I had to deal with whatever I was feeling but I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else. I felt pathetic--duped by a guy who was, essentially, a hobbit. Bev had been right about that.