Looking For Space // Josh Kiszka

XXX

It's here & it's a long one, so buckle up!

-----

Home was welcome. It was always welcome but, after being away for a longer amount of time than I'd been in years, even my own little home was especially inviting. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, I could smell my scent--I couldn't even describe it to myself other than that--but it was distinctly mind it was the first time I'd ever been able to notice it.

I drew the blinds and flipped on some lights. It was quiet there, too. Not dead silent--not like looming, dark trees engulfing me--but very quiet. I dropped my bags in my room and unzipped them--it was better to unpack right away. I wouldn't do it if I didn't do it almost instantly. It was a matter of dividing things into piles and putting them back in the empty spaces from which I'd taken them, and the dirty clothes flung into a laundry basket for a wash.

I just needed some time to myself and then I would call Josh. That's what I told myself but, in reality, I was frightened. I had been an idiot for cursing at him and he'd been an idiot too, but the thought of him being mad at me was terrifying. The thought of him being disappointed in me or upset with me was even worse.

So, like an idiot once again and once again like I'd done a year prior, I avoided it entirely.

---

The only thing stranger than Josh texting me was Jake calling me. I stared at my vibrating phone in my hand, the engine of my car rumbling around me. I just wanted to get home--again. The four days away from work had made returning even more emotionally devastating but I'd trudged through my first day back, and trudged through with minimal thoughts of Josh.

I hesitated but without thinking slid my thumb across the screen, my nerves beginning to tingle throughout my body. Fuck.

"Hey," I said, voice already breaking. "What's up?"

Jake sighed on the other end. "What's up with you?"

I hesitated to respond. "Leaving work."

"When did you get back?"

"Friday."

Jake hesitated then and his silence only made me more anxious. "You need to talk to Josh."

The anxiety morphed into that same rage I'd felt days prior. "He said he doesn't need me."

"I know what he said. You know he didn't mean it like that."

"Well--"

"You're being a child," Jake scolded in a tone I'd never heard before and hoped I'd never hear again. "And he's being fucking stupid. But you gotta make this right." He exhaled. "Do your part, anyway."

"I know, I fucking know," I replied, falling back into my seat. "I'm just--I'm fucking angry, Jake. And I hate that. I hate being angry with him."

"So talk to him," Jake urged. "He's been moping ever since you guys talked."

I frowned. "How bad?"

"You know Josh--he withdraws."

I sighed. "So pretty bad?"

"Let me put it this way--the last time I brought it up, he sighed and said, 'It's almost our anniversary.'"

That could have been funny, had it not been for our current state. I looked up at the slightly dingy interior of my car. "Oh god. Fuck me. I forgot."

"Not to guilt trip you, but that means it's almost his birthday," Jake reminded me. "Do you really want this shit for that?"

"No," I answered, bringing my head back down to look straight out the windshield. Less snow than Canada. Almost entirely gone and melted from view, the new grass of spring green and wet around me.