Pyre

Chapter 10

TRIS POV

I don't know what to say.

The water rushing through the chasm is louder than I remember, probably because I have only come here once in so long. This was the place that I considered most meaningful to us, so I came here, but now that I am here...

I don't know what to say.

Christina told me about the time when she let Will go. It was after we returned home from Candor, around when she forgave me for what I did to him. She said it was freeing, to be able to get everything off her chest and leave the room without a heavy heart.

She suggested that since Tobias never really did have a funeral—at least, not one that I attended—that I should have one by myself. I should tell him what I have wanted to tell him for months, and then I should lay him to rest in my mind.

It was unrealistic to me, at first. But I'm willing to try anything for relief now.

Some thoughts run through me as I scrape my shoe on the stone beneath me. I cringe at how unfitting they sound and wonder why I ever agreed to do this.

If Tobias were here, what would I say?

It wouldn't really be words, I think. There would be crying and speechlessness and all I would want to do is hold him, because he would know what I felt better than I could put into words.

"I'm sorry," I mumble.

He was so young, just barely grasping the chance to live life like it was meant to be lived. And everyone around me acts like the tragedy is normal now.

I shake my head, and it makes me dizzy from the concussion, but I don't sit down.

"You told me once that my parents should be here with me, that it wasn't fair that they died. You said that anyone who tried to convince me that it was okay was a liar."

As I talk, I find that the words come easier. They are not from a place of forgiveness like Christina's were to Will. But I can do this however I want.

"It isn't fair that you're not here," I tell the air. "Everyone in Dauntless may act like it was inevitable and that it happens to everyone, but that certainly doesn't make it right. Everyone loses the people they love left and right in this city, and it only seems equally balanced when the deaths are evenly distributed. And it shouldn't be, because you know what? I'm selfish, Tobias.

"I'm selfish, and I would burn the entire world if it meant bringing you back. I have to believe that you know that, because you would do the same for me."

A lump clogs my airway, but I am tired of crying. I won't let it happen now, especially since this is the first time I have been honest in a very long time.

"God," I scoff wetly. "We should have left, gone outside the fence like you said. Then neither of us would be in this mess."

I was never one to run from my problems though. Neither was he. Maybe that is why it could not have worked out for us, because no matter what life we dreamt of, our stubborn natures and our dangerous environment were always going to prevent us from getting there.

"I suppose it doesn't matter. Eventually I will run away with you anyway. But it doesn't make this separation any less unbearable."

Leaning against the wall behind me, I take a deep breath.

"I think about you every minute, you know?" I ask rhetorically. It seems like the rush of the water slows. "It's a different kind of torture, but I see you everywhere I go. That act of insanity is ironically the only thing keeping me sane.