Pyre

Chapter 14

TRIS POV

I have a dream, not a nightmare.

I am standing on the stage at the Choosing Ceremony. All five factions watch on as I struggle with my decision, but instead of five bowls in front of me, there are two.

"Choose," a voice says. It is the same voice from my Aptitude Test.

A nervous sweat breaks out across my body, and I peek into the bowls while blood drops from my palm. One of them is filled with burning coals. The other is empty.

I look around me, searching for a familiar face in the crowd. My parents are in the Abnegation section, wearing judgmental expressions.

"Choose."

I turn back to the bowls, and this time, Tobias is the one who said it. He stands in front of the sizzling coals and awaits my choice.

Then I wake up.

In the bed.

I spring up immediately when I register where I am, and I dart my eyes around, wondering how I got here. Somebody must have put me here, whatever happened last night. Even in my drowsy state I would have strayed as far from the bed as possible.

I remind myself that Tobias isn't dead, that I can sleep there if I want now. Old habits, I guess.

Rubbing my eyes, I look to the clock on the nightstand to tell me the time. It is one o'clock in the afternoon. Slowly, memories resurface from the night—technically, morning—before. As soon as I recall the kiss, I collapse back onto the bed in embarrassment, noting just how much more preferable this mattress is to the couch.

Alarms sound in my head. They scream at me to get up, that it has been too long since I abandoned my leadership duties. But the sheets are soft against my bare, sore legs and my eyelids are still so heavy that I can't move.

I try not to consider how I got back here; all I remember is dozing off at the chasm. For a hopeful second I consider the fact that maybe I dragged myself home, and then I see how my boots are neatly lined up on the side of the bed and I know it must have been Tobias.

Great. Add that to the list of conflicting actions that I have to sort out.

When I throw my arm over my eyes to block out the sun reflecting into the room, I see my parents' faces in my dream. Critical and harsh, unlike they ever treated me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it.

But it begs the question: what would my parents think about my choices? Would they be proud of me? Would they have a deprecatory view toward what I have done, not unlike my own? I imagine my mother would be disappointed in my extreme lack of passiveness, while my father...well, I think he would have a scolding look on his face while he told me I could do better.

I don't know. But I miss them, and when the impact I have on everyone around me has the power to change their lives for better or for worse, I can't help but look to them.

What would they want me to do with my authority? What would they want me to do regarding Tobias?

I turn the questions over and over in my mind until I come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. My Abnegation parents would love me and forgive me regardless, and they would trust me to do the right thing. My mother would approve of my growth as a person, of my decision to let Caleb back in my life. My father would be proud of the way I still hold myself with what I have survived.

They sacrificed themselves because they believed in me. And for once, I have happy tears on my face when I think of them.

So, I know whatever I choose in all of the dilemmas I need to solve will be right. Now I just have to gather the courage for it.