memory {boyxboy}

9; Pain

3 more chapters left :(

{trigger warning towards the end}
--

June 6 (continuous)

Status: same

--

"What's wrong with him?" I asked in panic, "is he ok?"

"He had a seizure, but he's fine now" Jaime came into the room, and I cringed.

I went to get up but I was forced down.

"What are you doing?"

"You can't get out of bed Vic" Mike said. I rolled my eyes.

"Mike can you excuses us?" Jaime said, and he nodded,

"So you got my letter?" he said and I nodded not saying a word.

"Look, I'm not here to steal him from you" he said but I shook my head.

"I think...."

"You think what?"

"I think.... think that you would be a better boyfriend to him than I would" I hesitantly said softly.

"Vic look, as much as I love Kellin, and you as a best friend though," best friend, "You both love each other, and that something I can't interfere with. Yes, what I've done, but you learn from your mistakes. Playing with people's heart isn't a fun thing and no one should ever do that. You both belong with eachother but you guys need to learn how to talk things out"
(A/N: tHIS SHOULD BE QUOTED OMG)

I was surprised about what he said,

"O-oh..." I lost my words, "ok..."

"You're leaving today, and Mike already packed your stuff so, go get changed, your clothes is in the bathroom. Luckily you didn't have much damage." he chuckled, walking out the door.

~*~*~*

I walked passed Kellin's room taking a quick glance at him,

"Is he ok?" I whispered to Jaime, still feeling uncomfortable,

"Yeah, they said he should wake up soon. He's recovering fast but something isn't right about him though."

"What isn't right?" I asked and he shrugged,

"Ok" I muttered keeping quiet,

"Mike left with Tony"

He said as I got into the passenger seat, staying quiet. The ride to my apartment was really an uncomfortable silence.

As we reached, I said my goodbye and leaped out of the car. I felt like I was suffocating in there, I opened the door and broke down crying. I honestly don't know why I'm crying, maybe it's the fact that I almost died, but it was weird. I didn't feel scared, I felt.... I felt like I liked the pain... a lot actually.

Pain.

I got up and rushed to the bathroom and looked all over the place until I found what I really wanted.

Did I really want to do this? I mean... it's my first time, but then again I didn't feel scared at all....

I loved the feeling of the cold piece of metal on my forearm, the way it caused pain. But the pain wasn't enough for all the pain I caused for the people I love.

I needed more pain, so I went deeper.

I watched as a pool of blood flooded from my wrist and into the sink,

I counted each one of the on my left arm....

"Now we broke another bracelet, tore it off your wrist tonight...." I sang a melody from the top of my head.

"Do you think, you better love me back? You said you want someone who actually cared..." I was referring to Kellin and Jaime, because obviously, Jaime cared more about Kellin than I did,

"Now I'll say what I want, 'cause nobody's around when I talk....feels better to fall asleep alone, 'cause that's the only way I know..." I cried as the cut began to sting under the hot water.

I didn't do this for me.... I did this for you Kellin...

_______________________

June 7

Status 1- worse

Status 2 ((Vic))- worse

--

I woke up on the hard tile of the bathroom floor, waking up in pain. I knew exactly what I did last night.

I made and effort to get up, but I took a quick glance at my wrists.... covered with beautiful lines I've created,

Now how the hell am I going hide these? I lazily walked out the bathroom and straight to my closet picking out a hoodie. I can see why Kellin is addicted to this.

Honestly, I was surprised. I was the type who basically cry whenever I get hurt, even a knee scrap would sting like a bitch, so it came to a surprise that I had the guts to do this.

I skipped breakfast, walking out the door to go to the hospital... like normal..

I felt like I felt numbness all around me. The air was cool, making my nose burn and turn red.

As I reached, I didn't bother making eye contact with any one.

"Mr. Fuentes, Mr. Bostwick can't allow any visitors at this moment.. come back in a few hours yeah?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"Cardiac problems, his heart--and his lungs is working abnormally"

"What do you mean? He'll be ok right?"

"There is a 50/50 chance, we aren't sure"

"He will be ok right?" I asked again,

"It's his choice...."

"What do you mean 'his choice'?"

"Nothing, nevermind. Since he lost lots of blood that day when he um, yeah, he wasn't recovering fast enough as we thought, which caused less blood going to the vein traveling to the heart, and since the heart isn't operating right, the lungs are failing too" she explained.

"I can donate blood" I said quickly,

"That would be about 2-3 packs of blood" she sounded worried, "that's a lot"

"So?"

"With that much blood loss, you can die"

"Better me than him" she shook her head,

"We'll do anything we can to get his heart healthy again" she said almost confidently, walking away.

"You better" it came out bitterly. I felt disrespectful for a second but that feeling went away.

I just wish to hear his voice again... I mean, I've heard it in my dreams but that's nothing compared to his actual voice...

Sometimes I wish I was in his spot but that'll be selfish because he would feel the pain I'm feeling now.

"Kellin... please wake up. We need you... I need you.

I know it's hard, but please fight for us... I miss you. A month without you is a month of me feeling dead and empty inside... Was this how you felt Kells? Did I make you feel like this? For 48 months you've been like this....

You know I'd never be disgusted in you, I love you Kellin. Remember that..." the words sobbed through my mouth as I reached my house. I rushed upstairs to my room taking the blade.

24 cuts on one arm....24 on the other... representing the 4 years we've been together..

Kellin please wake up... I love you.

🌿

Edited