SINFUL

23

[ a/n: this is gonna be long ]

•••

everybody said goodbye to jaemin. every word that came out from their lips were heartbreaking and made them burst into tears every time they say a word.

especially renjun and jeno.

—

everybody went outside for privacy.

jeno entered the room, with a heavy and a broken heart. his mind fills nothing but jaemin. nothing else but the way he longed for jaemin, and his touch.

he stood behind the door. his knees, shaking. lips, trembling. he couldn't move his feet and bring himself to jaemin's bed.

the way the machines sounded and moved made his heart break and stomach ache. it was too much for him to handle. he just found himself walking little by little until he finally sat beside jaemin.

he held jaemin's hand, kissed it and caressed it. he could've done that if he came out earlier and treated him better. he regretted everything.

jeno didn't speak at first. He just held jaemin's hand and started sobbing and apologizing soon after.

he apologized. and apologized and apologized for the longest time. Jeno never apologizes unless its for his loved ones. his cries getting louder and louder, making his body weak and fragile. he couldn't breathe properly his heart skipping beats.

not knowing what to do he immediately left the room and the other just looked at him, teary eyed. they saw how much pain he's holding in him. nobody had the strength to even approach jeno, hug him and comfort him, but doyoung.

doyoung opened his arms and let jeno fall unto his arms and he just let jeno cry all he wants and rubbed his back at the same time. he was silently crying with jeno, of course.

doyoung had always been there for jeno. he had been there everytime jeno and renjun or jaemin had a fight or when he has a problem at work or when he had a big personal problem, doyoung stayed. doyoung is like jeno's mother or father.

jeno just sobbed, until he slept in doyoung's arms.

—

after everybody went in and... talked to jaemin, it was renjun's turn.

taeyong was the last before renjun, "renjun, it's your turn." taeyong said and tried to give renjun a smile despite the tears on his cheeks, and pain in his eyes.

renjun closed his eyes and shaked his head. " i don't want to. i'm too scared."

"scared of what?" taeyong asked.

"to say goodbye." he said in between his sobs. kun was beside renjun so kun tried to calm him down and continuously rubbed his back and kept on saying comforting words to calm him down, even just a little.

renjun may be harsh most of the times but he's fragile as hell. he would cry even in the littlest things and that's what makes him the softest. and its difficult for them to stop him from crying because once he started, he wouldn't be able to stop.

"do you want me to come with you, renjun?" kun asked the messed up guy, making sure if he can go on his own.

as much as kun wants to come with renjun, he knows that he should go on his own, he needs his time with jaemin, too. its the last time so he has to go on his own.

"n-no.. i have to go on my own." renjun said.

and with all the strength left in him, he tried to stand on his own feet and approached the door.

this would never happen again. i lost nana, i can't lose jeno as well. i don't want to see myself looking like this anymore. — he told himself.

what he meant about that is, he has to let jeno go, too. he has to find someone who would truly love him as a man, as who he is. renjun knows how much jeno loves him and jaemin but jeno needs to create his own family, too.

he twisted the doorknob. he opened it slowly. he peaked inside, and it made his heart break into the littlest pieces.

unlike jeno, he opened the door properly and bravely walked to jaemin's bed. he needs to do face his fear. this is what he feared the most. he feared that his loved ones would leave him.

he stared at jaemin's face. "so pale, so thin. this is not the jaemin i knew. this is not how you took care of yourself, nana." renjun said and chuckled, tears flowing from his eyes.

this was the worst condition of renjun yet. nothing would top this pain.

"nana. do you still remember how we met? yeah, you approached me and i was literally about to cry because you approached me that time. nobody wanted to play with or even talk with me just because of my family's heir. you kept on telling me that i should be the one who's famous and i should have a lot of friends. they don't wanna talk to me because they all thought i'm a bad person. because of the way i stare and they said i have that bad boy vibe. ugh." renjun tried to talk to jaemin, as if jaemin's going to respond.

"how about our first kiss at our shared bedroom? i would never forget that. that was one of the best day of my life. all these are just memories now. i-i..." he sniffed.

"i couldn't bring you back, nana. i regretted the way i treated you. i should have loved you more than i did. i should have seen the way you looked at me before. it felt so... painful. i shouldn't have let you leave the room, if i stopped you, and let you join us, you would have been with us until now. this is all my fault. if only im not that fragile and could face jeno with my head held high, but i couldn't. you know how much i need you. we couldn't live without you, nana." he softly sobbed.

"who's going to cook for us when we're both lazy? who's going to understand me whenever i'm about to kill myself? the apartment will be nothing but us. nothing but a mess. nothing, but me and jeno, and the deafening silence. you always lift the mood, you were the one who thinks of the greatest idea in our apartment, like throwing parties. parties in our apartment wouldn't be the same without you. who's going to carry me whenever i'm drunk? who's going to
leave aspirin, hungover soup and warm water beside me everytime i wake up drunk? who's going to compliment me when i'm the ugliest? who's going to make me laugh when i'm about to break down? who's going to make both of us happy? who's going to be our happy pill? who's going to be there for me? i know what you'll say... "but jeno's there!" come on, nana. we both know that jeno's no fun and he would drop the mood anytime. you were the only one who could do these things. jeno might bring girls home again, to relieve his stress. he couldn't fuck me anymore because everytime he does, he felt guilty. we both are wrong. and because of that mistake, we made you leave us. nana, all i want to say is, thank you. thank you for being always there for me, the both us. thank you for making us happy. thank you for cooking for us even though jisung always comes over to eat it all. thank you for staying with us through and through. thank you for loving us endlessly and equally. thank you for taking care of us. you'll always be the nana we met and we love." he paused for a bit and tried to give jaemin a smile. he knows he's here somewhere in the room with him. looking at him the way he always looks at jeno and renjun.

"i'm sorry for screaming at you whenever i'm not in the mood, or accidentally screaming at you. i'm sorry for hurting you again, and again. i'm sorry for giving you a headache. i'm sorry for everything. nana. jaemin. najaem. na jaemin. baby, i love you. i love you so much. i love you no matter what. i love you and i always will. nothing could ever stop me from loving you. thank you, goodbye." renjun said and kissed him on the lips one last time, with tears nonstop flowing.

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