lemonade | ethan

ten

ethan: home

me: ahh. are you still down to hang ??

ethan: you know, now's probably not a good time. i'm dealing with some stuff right now.

me: you wanna talk about it?

ethan: it's none of your business

i stared at the screen of my phone, nothing but silence and the sound of the ocean all around me. i didn't know what to say. i've been dealing with this for months now, ethan's stubbornness.

he's so scared to share his life with me and i don't know what it is but it makes my heart ache, for i wish he did.

i text back, saying a simple okay.

i've been so patient with him because i'm afraid to lose him. he's the first real person i've had in my life and if i lost him, i'd be lost myself, as cliche as that sounds.

i close my phone, setting it down on my lap. i watch as the waves in the water dance so gently.

brooklyn bay was beautiful. they had luxury houses at the top of the hills, dreamy beaches and a whole ocean to themselves.

but it was so lonely here. so bland. because even if everyone in this town was satisfied, i wasn't. there was something missing in my own world, i just didn't know what it was.

curiosity got the best of me, and i opened my text messages again to see that ethan left me on read. would it be the worst thing in the world right now if i decided to take a walk in the south side area of town? just to see how he is?

i sighed, closing my eyes and taking in the fresh ocean breeze. i don't think i've ever had time to myself. being well known, everyone is always up on you and you never get to control it.

since i've taken action in becoming independent, maya no longer thinks we are good friends anymore so she is no where near interested in bothering me anymore. clayton and i already talked and i just hope he understands the message i portrayed. and ethan.... i don't know.

i could only wish to know what's going on in his stupid head. then maybe i'd get the answers i deserve to know. like why he doesn't wanna hang out with me anymore. why he's being shady towards me. what did i do wrong?

"why are you so worked up about him, dev?" i mumbled to myself as i scribbled in the sand with my finger. "you don't like him or anything."

as i leaned my head against my hand, lazily staring off into the ocean, i pondered my thoughts.

it's so crazy to even think about, but i haven't stopped. i've talked about being scared of this, i've thought about never feeling this.

and yet i do.

LEMONADE

the rest of the weekend, i didn't talk to ethan at all. i figured i needed to give him his space before we continue seeing each other again because of our project.

back at school, everything was normal but at the same time it wasn't? i don't know how to explain the feeling. i just know there was this sort of energy in the air that only i could feel once i realized my true feelings.

but do i even know how or what i'm feeling? i've been overthinking it this entire weekend and i don't know what's wrong with me. do i like him? do i not?

knowing how different we are, maybe that convinces my brain into thinking that even if i did have the slightest feelings for him, it wouldn't work out anyways because he's a south sider.