Sahlo Folina

019 01MOON 20

I like to think that this is so important to me that there is no way I could fail it. But the truth is, I can't make it without Josh.

It was only when Tyler got caught back that I realized how much I relied on him. How much I thought it was impossible for him to go while I stayed in Trench.
For him to fail while I was still fighting. And somehow it felt like it was my fault, for bringing back all those memories with the Bishops.

The Banditos were all very nice. But from one day to the other, the camp was silent. And that felt terribly wrong.

Josh still played his drums every now and then. He's incredibly talented, but he's way more than that. He's passionate.

I quickly realized he was somehow shy, like I am. But when he sits behind those drums, he seems to forget all the people listening. He plays like he is somewhere else. Somewhere different than the only two places I know of. I wonder where that somewhere else can be. It looks beautiful.

We talked quite a lot these days, during the endless march, and he turned out to be quite a sweet boy. We actually share a lot of views and it's amazing how we can naturally switch between joking and having serious conversations. He laughs at my lame jokes. I feel like I could talk to him all day.

I feel confused between the joy to be able to communicate with fellow Banditos and the sadness realizing Tyler had to go for me to discover it.

I told Josh that it felt so strangely silent. He said he had listened to me on the low and that he found I was quite good. I asked him if he knew some of Tyler's songs. It turns out all the Banditos know his songs and that's exactly what he meant to. Make others resonate with his words. There are so many lyrics he started without completing songs yet.

But Josh said I should sing my own songs.

I don't know how I managed it, but I dared to show him this notebook with my heart racing.

My writing has evolved a lot since I first got out of Dema. In better and in worse. I used to carefully choose every sentence that entered this diary, emphasizing on sophisticated words I took pride in using. I don't feel like that anymore. Discovering the song-writing made me unravel a purest way of enclosing my thoughts. As if I were to distillate them. The songs would vial only the strongest essence, the most truthful twists. What is left in this diary entries are only the minor residues of a well-tried life.

Josh read in silence for a long time, always commenting gentle things. My heart calmed down after a time and a strange feeling of gratefulness and excitement filled me up. I trusted Josh. He would do me no harm and that was why I could entrust him with my most intimate thoughts. The fear of his judgement was slowly replaced by the warm comfort of his support.

"I think you should post them somewhere, those texts."

"What?"

"Like, maybe coding some passages, and typing them so no one could recognize your writing. I mean, it would be important for people back in Dema to know what Trench feels like. It would maybe help them try to get out. It's important that they realized what the Bishops are doing, you get what I mean?"

"Yes. Like the vultures. They could fly out and get a look on the wilderness before going back."

"Exactly."

"But it might make them afraid of trying."

"Maybe. But it's worth it. You know, Clancy, in the end, we win. The Banditos are much stronger than what the Bishops think. But no matter what we do, not everyone will get out. We can't save everyone; you know? But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try."

Tomorrow we will try.
I can't fail, it is too important. But I can't do it without Josh.