The Silence Between Us

Losses

Chapter 34

"Guys, listen up for a sec. Some of you already know and some of you don't. But, um, my mom died four days ago."

I knew from the collective gasp of Clara and Finn that they weren't told about Noah's mom's passing. And even though I had already known, it was only a couple minutes before this talk that I found out and the news was still raw and fresh in my mind. I didn't know Noah's mom, I never met her, but there was something about the all-too-familiar feeling of losing a parent that it hurt me more than I expected it would.

"Her funeral's tomorrow. And I kind of need you guys to be there."

Mae was the first to be there, hugging Noah so tightly he might've burst. Then Finn was right behind her, Alex stepping in to hug Noah next, then Clara. They seemed so natural together. It made sense of course, they'd been friends for years and have been through everything together. But there was one piece of their story that was missing.

And as conceded as it seemed to admit out loud, that missing piece was me.

My feet moved towards the five of them, joining the group hug. All of us were going to stick together to help Noah through this.

Because that was the only way: through, not around. You don't get to choose to ignore death. It stares at you every once in a while in the face and you don't get to choose to look away. You have to stare back until your comfortable enough to move through it.

The problem was I still hadn't learned yet to be comfortable with death, with my father's passing, with anyone close to me dying really. Which made attending his Noah's mom's funeral more difficult than anyone else anticipated.

-O-

"Louisa Josephine Kelley! We are going to be late if you don't get out the front door in two seconds!"

My legs were led this morning. It made it impossible to do anything. I could barely get off my bed, and when I finally managed to do so I could only take a couple steps without pausing and getting lost in thought. Abandoning that plan, I snatched my black dress from the floor, the same one that I wore all those years ago, and crumpled down to the ground without changing, finding myself yet again lost in thought.

There was something wrong, but my mind was too hazy for me to figure it out properly.

My fingers stretched, fumbling for something on my desk. I finally came into contact with it and pulled it into my lap, cradling it softly. The wood felt grainy against my hands in contrast to the smooth glass that I gingerly touched. I couldn't see the man inside the photograph but sometimes it helped to feel closer to him.

My head was pounding, a common side effect that used to only happen years ago. I blinked and closed my eyes, trying to let it pass but instead it kept throbbing strongly. Migraines made everything harder, as if my leaden legs weren't enough to stall me from my simple task of changing into my black dress. The same black dress that I wore a long time ago.

And that's how my mom found me. My head pressed into the carpet, trying to ease my throbbing head by putting pressure on it, all the while holding the photograph with one hand, and the other holding that black dress. The same exact dress that I had worn when...

"Louisa, sweetie. We have to go."

I nodded softly, not sure how else to respond. Everything about me was a mess, I wasn't ready to go. And yet I couldn't move my fucking legs.