The Silence Between Us

C'est la Vie

Quick note but important: IN THIS CHAPTER there is a scene where a character has a panic attack. If this is difficult to read or difficult content for you, by all means please skip it. Now without further ado...

Chapter 23:

I didn't push him away.

That was my first mistake.

But I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. One second we were talking and the next his lips crashed into mine. I just didn't get it. I never realized that Noah had feelings for me. I definitely wasn't trying to lead him on either, I was just trying to be a supportive friend.

Time seemed to flow in slow motion when he kissed me. It was nothing like the kiss full of passion between me and Alex. Instead it seemed stiff, like he was doing it because he had to, like he needed a distraction. With all that was going on I was probably right. Or maybe it was because I wasn't kissing him back in the slightest.

I didn't know how to respond. I just realized my feelings for a different guy and all of the sudden another guy was kissing me? It was all too much. And I couldn't pull away. I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't want to add another hardship on top of his mom passing away soon. He was right, this was not the time to kiss me. I felt like I couldn't defend myself and instead had to tread carefully in order to not break him.

He must've realized that I wasn't kissing him back or responding to the kiss in any way because after a little bit he pulled away. I was sure he could read the shock, the disbelief, the confusion, and the worry on my face. Two seconds later he sighed as if he was expecting this outcome.

"Noah...I-"

"You can save your breath, Louisa." He cut me off. I would've been stupid to not notice the clear dejection in his voice, his sadness and misery almost overwhelming.

He started to walk away from me. My eyes opened wide, my hand involuntarily reaching out to grab his to stop him.

That was my second mistake.

But I couldn't just let him leave like that. I couldn't just let him walk away from me after that kiss. I didn't know how badly this conversation was about to go, but we were friends. Or at least that's what I thought we both felt. I also needed to explain myself to him.

"Noah, I need to explain." I said, voicing my thoughts out loud to him.

He gave me a short laugh that was void of any emotion. "I don't think you have anything to explain, Louisa. I get it."

"No!" My voice rose just a little bit uncontrollably. I would be lying if I said I wasn't getting a little flustered and cross that he wouldn't let me talk to him. I was more upset that he would just leave instead of just trying to fix things between us right here right now. That wasn't like him.

Then again, Noah wasn't acting like himself recently anyways. I can't blame him though. When...he died I wasn't the same. I don't think I've ever been the same.

My voice wavered a little bit, shaking from the effort of me trying to hold back my emotions. "It's not that I don't like you. I really do, Noah, you're an amazing person and you've been super nice to me ever since we became friends."

"But that's it, right? You only see me as a friend." Noah interrupted suddenly.

"Yeah." I said, grinding my teeth against each other. I really hated it when people interrupted me. I took in a deep breath, trying to relieve all the tension I was feeling. "I'm sorry, Noah. I care about you as a friend, but as of right now that's it. I don't know if it will ever be more but...I kind of...like someone else."